Some where along the way I lost myself.

I fill lots of roles.  I do lots of things.  I go lots of places.

But in all this doing and going and going and doing, I seem to have somehow gotten lost.

For the past few weeks(months, really), I’ve really been struggling with my purpose, my passion.

Once upon a time(not so very long ago),
I was fire-y.
I was quick-witted and funny.
I was someone that other people wanted to be around.

But now?
Instead of being the kind of fire-y that makes you smile, I’m the kind of fire-y that makes you roll your eyes.
Instead of quick wit and jokes, I tend to get stuck in my own mind…unable to verbalize my thoughts.
Instead of being fun and exciting, I struggle to stay awake and make even polite conversation.

In an effort to become more, to do more, to love more…
In an effort to be the best I can be, do the most I can, help as many as possible…
I forgot that I have to make an effort to just be me.

I’m tired.
I’m weary.
I’m worn-down.

Even after a weekend of recharging, I’m dreading the days to come.

Something’s gotta give.

It’s not going to be my children.
It’s not going to be my marriage.
It’s not going to be my friends or my faith or my writing.

Oh, how I need my family and friends and faith right now.
And my writing?  I can’t stop it from coming.
Even when I step away from the computer, the writing is still there, filling page after page in my trusty, battered notebook.
Sometimes the words are my own, sometimes comforting words from others.
Bible verses.  Sacred words.
Scribbled quickly.
Or delicately and patiently drawn and decorated.
Praying in color.
Praying with a hodge-podge assortment of words that sometimes don’t even make sense to me.
Searching.  Longing.  Wishing.  Hoping.  Seeking.

What is my passion?

What stirs my soul?

I’m not sure anymore.

But I’m not giving up.
I’m still listening to that soft voice inside my heart and my head.

I will find me again.

Feb 5, 2010

At BlissdomAmber from the run-a-muck said something in one of the sessions that really resonated with me.
It obviously hit home for a lot of folks because I saw it all over twitter for several days.  She said:

My blog is a good place for you to get to know me, but my blog is also a good place for me to get to know me.

And she’s right.
It’s through my writings and ramblings that I am really figuring out who I am, what I am, and what I’m going to be.

9 Responses to Some where along the way I lost myself.
  1. Toni M
    February 14, 2010 | 10:57 pm

    In my opinion.. Someone looking in from the outside.. You have it going on. I think this is an amazing picture if you. Your eyes are powerful. When I saw it though “wow she is beautiful!” I am not really sure why but this blog entry made me tearful. Probably because I all to often feel the same way. Thanks for your blogs Bridgette!

  2. Scott Ford
    February 15, 2010 | 6:18 am

    Not that you have time read yet another book, but as time allows, you might check out “Let Your Life Speak” by Parker Palmer, a very powerful book.

  3. Sarah
    February 15, 2010 | 7:52 am

    I can soooooo relate, bridget.

  4. domestic extraordinaire
    February 15, 2010 | 11:07 am

    Okay. For the record I found you witty, firey and I so want to be around you. You were open and honest and real. You made me feel like I knew you forever. You have such a kind soul and I hate that we are so far apart.

    I do know what’s its like to want to find yourself, to get to know the real you. Sometimes we get caught up in life that we don’t realize that we’ve changed until the person we see in the mirror isn’t the same person we remembering seeing before.

    Know I am thinking of you lots (in a total non stalker-esque kinda way) and if you need me I am only a text or call away.

  5. Monica (peapodsquadmom)
    February 15, 2010 | 4:24 pm

    i didn’t get to hear amber say that, but i’m glad i read it here. that’s it. that’s totally it.

    love you, girl.

  6. To Think Is To Create
    February 15, 2010 | 5:28 pm

    You’re onto it. You’ve recognized and claimed it. The purpose will bubble up, direction will make itself known. Just keep seeking. xoxo

  7. Corinne
    February 15, 2010 | 6:07 pm

    You’re so right.
    The writing is a means to something. If you can’t stop it, it’s meant to be. Meant to seep onto a page/screen. Loved this in all it’s rawness and truth.