I am never alone.
And yet I crave aloneness.
I yearn, oh how I yearn for stillness and quiet…
For a moment of not being needed, not being called, not being.

I love it.
I love the chaos.
I love the noise.
I love being needed.
Usually.

But sometimes…
Sometimes…
Sometimes I just need to be alone.

Sitting in the sunshine.
Hearing the wind blow.
Closing my eyes and seeing infinite darkness.
Stilling my heart,
My mind.

I know I will miss it one day.
I know I will miss being called “Mommy”,
And watching Mickey Mouse,
And fixing milk cups.

I try, I mean I really really try to live in the moment-
Soak it in, remember it, revel in it.

But sometimes-
times like now-
I just need silence.

I need to not be needed.
I need to sit…
Alone…
And just be me.

But you know what happens when I am alone?
I find that I’m not really alone.
I close my eyes; I still my mind.
And there they are…
Precious little faces, little voices
Nosing their way into my thoughts.
So much a part of me that I can’t seem to separate myself from them.

I am a mother.
And I am never alone.

And no matter how old they get,
Or how much they change,
Or how far apart we are…
I will never be alone.
And for that I am grateful.