We shall never be again as we were.

I reach down instinctively and touch my side,
Waiting for a kick that will never happen.

I place you on my stomach and feel your hiccups from the outside
And it’s almost as if you were inside again.

“We shall never be again as we were!”
–Henry James, The Wings of the Dove(1902)

I miss it.
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t.

There are so many parts of pregnancy that I love.
So many parts that I’ll miss.
So many things that I’m sad will never happen to me again.

But for the first time in my life, I can honestly say, “I’m done”.
This is it.
You are the last one.

I’m older, achier.
I am tired and exhausted.
My body has been through a lot in the past six years.

The recovery is slower this time.
Despite how well you sleep and how many naps I take,
the underlying exhaustion just won’t dissipate.

But I’m finding that even in the middle of the night,
when I am tired and would rather be in my bed sound asleep…
I’m savoring it more this time.
(There’s that word again…)

Long after you’ve finished your midnight snack and have drifted off to sleep,
I hold you in quietness and gaze at your face.
I let the hormone-riddled emotions wash over me,
And you don’t even seem to notice when my tears drop onto your tiny little face.

Your lips are perfection.

Your thick hair feels like heaven to touch.

You look like a real, live baby doll.
(Asa thinks you are a real, live baby doll.)

Your fingers are long and slender.
Maybe you’ll play piano.

Your feet are small and thin with delicate little toes.
I imagine that we’ll be shopping for narrow shoes for the rest of your life.

Your eyes, when you let us peek at them,
Are small, but expressive.
(My Mama Jo would have lovingly called them little beady eyes.)

I want to bottle this moment and keep it forever.
But I also can’t wait for what’s to come.

8 Responses to We shall never be again as we were.
  1. domestic extraordinaire
    February 3, 2011 | 3:19 pm

    she is beautiful. Love the photos and the words.

    savor it my friend.

  2. Mary @ A Simple Twist of Faith
    February 3, 2011 | 5:12 pm

    Lovely, the words, the photography, but especially your sweet baby.

  3. Felisha
    February 3, 2011 | 8:00 pm

    Sweet, sweet thoughts! I wish I could have had just one. I am so proud of you and the way you cherish your children. Thanks for sharing. You have a beautiful little baby girl.

  4. Gramama
    February 3, 2011 | 8:01 pm

    You made me cry AGAIN!!

  5. Christy Lawson
    February 3, 2011 | 8:48 pm

    She is so lovely. 🙂 I want one.

  6. punkinmama
    February 4, 2011 | 5:52 pm

    You are an inspiration Bridget! It’s wonderful reading your savoring words. And I could look at pictures of her all day long.

  7. designhermomma
    February 5, 2011 | 9:17 pm

    Ah! this post just might make me want to have another one! No seriously, I want another one.