I know what you’re trying to do.

Before Thanksgiving, I hit a wall.
I was tired.  I was frustrated.
I was not the person I wanted to be.
I snapped at my children.
Turned away from my husband.
Cocooned myself within myself.

And then something happened.

I spoke not a word to anyone.
I made changes both big and small,
Some for forever and some for the now.

And though I’d been feeling that relentless tug of depression,
I knew, I knew that this was it.
This was my moment to push it away and say,
“I will not let you win.  I will not.”

And though reading the words makes it sound easy, it was not.
It is not.

I imagine that it never will be.
Because even when things are bright and sunny, you know that dark and dreary will come.
And you wait and you wait and you wait.
And the waiting pulls you down and instead of hiding from It, you unknowingly run straight into Its trap.

But this time it was I who played the trick.
This time it was I who called It out and said,
“I know what you’re trying to do and it’s not gonna work!”

(If only it were always that easy.)

(I am grateful that this time it was.)

2 Responses to I know what you’re trying to do.
  1. andrea
    January 19, 2012 | 10:54 am

    I love to read your blogs! They are so real & relatable to me much of the time, even if my kids are much older and I’m in a different place in life.
    I can especially relate to the first paragraph here. Such a familiar feeling. I hate that I spent so many years not recognizing it and just feeling unhappy and wondering why did everyone always do things to tick me off or frustrate me. And just thinking that it was almost normal to snap at the kids often and tune my husband out and be angry with him.
    I am glad that I know the signs now and can try my best not to
    let it get me down too low or too often. But there will always be
    those downs….and eventually an up. YAY for the ups!!!

  2. Paula
    January 19, 2012 | 10:59 am

    Bridget, you’re so brave &strong. I cant say i’ve been that strong….its hard s
    ometimes, but once you realize you’re not alone its a little more bearable.