Sometimes my head and my heart get all wobbly and I wonder if I’m the only one whose heart gets tied in knots like this and if any one else’s brain gets flipped over wrong side out and surely I’m not the only one but it certainly feels that way. Well, sometimes. Just sometimes. It’s not as often as it used to be and it’s surely not as intense but there are still moments, days even, when I feel invisible. As if nothing I say or do makes a difference. And then other times I’m the opposite of invisible and I wish nothing more than to pull into my own self and hide, like a Popple. Remember those?
We’re supposed to live in the in between, or that’s what I’ve been told. We’re supposed to not be too loud, but not be too quiet. We’re supposed to go, but not go too far. We’re supposed to give enough, but make sure you don’t give too little. And we are stuck in this land of in between where no one ever defines the “too”. And it’s in the “too” where so much pain and hurt can be found and before I ever thought of that, it was already true but now that I think about it it’s gone from being just true to being my truth and the truth hurts, which I was told but you never really learn that until you learn it on your own.
And once again I wish I were invisible. I wish I could go about my days living and loving and doing what my heart-gut screams at me to do but sometimes I just can’t. Sometimes I let the “rules” silence me. I back away from messy situations because I’m afraid of getting dirty. But, you know, without getting dirty you can’t really appreciate being clean, now can you?