Up late.  Again.
Here I am at the eleventh hour,
writing a piece about peace.

(How do I always let deadlines creep up on me?)

As I quickly scroll through scripture and gloss over words,
I take note that – for now – my house is extraordinarily peaceful.

The children have long since drifted off.
Marshall retreated to bed moments ago.
And after sitting stagnant for quite sometime, I have finally hit my stride.
I’m finally on a roll!
A passage spurs a thought.
One thought spurs more.
And we’re off to the races!

And then I hear her begin to whimper -
My little miss who decided that two naps was one too many and was therefore miserable for half the day.
A whimper quickly rumbles into a cry and then and out-right scream.

Just let me finish writing this!
I’m almost done.
(At least I would be if I could have a little peace and quiet!)

I curse him under my breathe.
(Although there’s no one here to hear it, so why do I bother whispering.)
He can hear her.  I know he can!
I try to press on, but those perfect little thoughts begin to evaporate right in front of my eyes.
I grasp at what is still there and jot down broken pieces of thoughts, hoping that I will be able to salvage them.
(But knowing that I won’t.)

I finally give in and stomp to her room.
I hope to goodness he hears me and my overly dramatic sighs.
(But he won’t.)

And, yes, I know how silly it all is.
I am aware of the aburdity in my mind.
And most times I would just laugh it off.
But tonight?
Tonight I am tired.
Tonight I am overwhelmed.
Tonight I am ugh.  Just ugh.

And I close my eyes and listen to the short and shallow sound of her breath, in and out. in and out. in and out.
And I drink in each gulp.gulp.gulp. and she drains her bottle.
And I take a big, deep breath
And there it is again:

no time to grab the camera
no time to write it down
just time enough to breathe it in and linger…

Without a word, I hold her and I rock her.
And I match my breath with hers.
And we look at each other.
I kiss her perfectly puckered lips.

And with the weight of her body against my chest,
I realize that without ever feeling the weight of the world on our shoulders, we could never understand freedom.
Without moments of chaos, exhaustion, and frustration, we could never appreciate peace.
Without bad moments, we would never be able to really comprehend the good.

And there, ladies and gentlemen, is my piece, my article, my post.
You know the one I was working on so fervently and then got side-tracked?
Yeah…this is better than what I was going to say anyway.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.
I do not give to you as the world gives.
Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Thanks be to God.

I’m linking up once again at The Extraordinary-Ordinary for Just Write.

This is a post that I wrote last year.  
But it seems like there are a lot of people struggling right now, so I thought I’d share it again.

I remember it.
I remember it well.

The wanting to breathe deep
And not being able to.

The wanting to smile
And have it reach all the way up to my eyes.

The wanting to laugh
And have it come from deep within.

The wanting to be happy.
The wanting to feel joy.

The knowing that this this is exactly what I wanted…
And then, once it was here, it feeling so empty.

Searching for joy,
Wanting it so deeply,
And it always being just out of reach.

Confused by what I knew I was supposed to feel
And what I was feeling.

Waking up one morning and realizing that it’s more…
It’s more than just a little sad.
It’s more than “baby blues”.
And wondering how it happened?
How it sneaked up on you without you even knowing…

Oh, how well I remember it.

But this time, I fought back before it had time to find me.
Before it slipped quietly into my mind, slyly and silently attacking from within.

But there are still moments when I start to breath in deeply and I choke on those old emotions.
There are still times when I smile at all the good, all the beauty around me
and yet it feels not quite as happy as it should be.
And there are still times when I catch my mind trying to trick me, trying to break.

But the difference this time is that I know it’s there.
I know what my mind is capable of doing to me
And I didn’t give it a chance this time.
I started fixing it before it was broken.

But I remember.
It’s something you never forget.
And something, I think, that’s never completely gone.

So I’m here to tell you that if you feel like this?
This quiet pain, invisible to so many?

Calm down
Deep breaths
And get yourself dressed
Hang on
Help is on the way
And stay strong
Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
-Details in the Fabric*, Jason Mraz

You are not alone.
You are not crazy.
You are not a bad mom.
You are not a bad person.

Ask for help.
Tell somebody else how shitty it feels.
Don’t be ashamed of the terrible, horrible thoughts that cross your mind.

You’re not alone.
We get it.
Those of us who have been there…
We get it.

It might not feel like it now, but it will be fine…
And, looking back, it’ll seem like no time at all.

*FYI: Links to music that has curse words.