I thought that -when I was finally a grownup – I would ‘get’ it.
I would understand the difference between right and wrong.
And I was hoping (oh, how I was hoping) that the gray areas would get smaller and smaller.

I thought that people wouldn’t act like children (myself included).
And that the middle school awkwardness would wear off.
I thought I’d be sure and confident.
And I wouldn’t be affected so much by others.

I thought that by now I’d have more things figured out.
I’d be wiser and kinder and calmer.
I’d not only know where I was headed, but I’d help others find their way.

I thought by now it would be different, I would be different.
But I’m still the same old me.

A few things have changed, though
And for this I am grateful.
I might not be much wiser in the ways of the world,
But I have learned a lot about myself.
I know that I am over-confident at times and all-too-often not confident enough.
And that figuring out when I am one or the other is the beginning of figuring out how to change it.
I know that sometimes my words are bigger and more powerful than I think they are.
And I should harness those words and value their effect.
I know that I am good at some things – very good even -
And that I should accept compliments with grace.
I know that comparing yourself to others is pointless and even dangerous to your self-esteem
And that though it looks like someone has it all, we never really know what hurts they carry.

(I’ve learned these things.  I know these things.  I know them well.
Yet knowing what I should do and what I actually do are two different things.)

But I’m hoping that by the time I’m xx years old, I’ll finally have it all figured out.
(i’m not gonna hold my breath)

and there is something within me
something that i don’t even know of
that is aching to be freed

and i think and i pray and i write
oh…do i write!

my fingers furiously attempting to keep up with my thoughts
(but always unable)
words don’t quite form sentences
syntax and grammar hide from the fury of my mind, my fingers

phrases
come
and
go
(too fast for my hands to capture)

and, as with the pains of labor,
the words come crashing in all at once
and just when i think i have met my limit
they subside and settle into my chest
warm and ______
and my breath slows
and my eyes close
and it is over

for now.

and finally (finally!) i can sleep.

Bridget Ivey is know as Mama by four little Iveys but everyone else knows her as IveyLeagueMama.  She shares about life, photography, and crafts on her blog The Ivey League. Bridget has a crazy-big love for chronicling her days on instagram as @IveyLeagueMama and she can also be found on Twitter as @IveyLeagueMama.

Bridget fell in love with Blissdom in 2009 and can’t wait to be back in Nashville with some of the most fabulous folks on the web.  She is looking forward to

 
• sharing her passion for phoneography and exploring various photography apps

 

• helping others move beyond green box photography

 

• showing how to take better pictures with the camera you already have.

I love it.
I love the chaos.
I love the noise.
I love being needed.
Usually.

But sometimes…
Sometimes…
Sometimes I just need to be alone.

Sitting in the sunshine.
Hearing the wind blow.
Closing my eyes and seeing infinite darkness.
Stilling my heart,
My mind.

I know I will miss it one day.
I know I will miss being called “Mommy”,
And watching Mickey Mouse,
And fixing milk cups.

I try, I mean I really really try to live in the moment-
Soak it in, remember it, revel in it.

But sometimes-
times like now-
I just need silence.

I need to not be needed.
I need to sit…
Alone…
And just be me.

But you know what happens when I am alone?
I find that I’m not really alone.
I close my eyes; I still my mind.
And there they are…
Precious little faces, little voices
Nosing their way into my thoughts.
So much a part of me that I can’t seem to separate myself from them.

I am a mother.
And I am never alone.

And no matter how old they get,
Or how much they change,
Or how far apart we are…
I will never be alone.
And for that I am grateful.

My photo “He’s Got His Whole World in His Hands” is a finalist this month! 

The winner gets a $250 camera rental, which y’all know I’d love! 

So…if you don’t mind, pretty pretty please click here and vote for me! 
My picture is the first one listed, but the poll is actually at the bottom of the page.

Thank you so much!

She makes the most adorable girl’s clothes(and has the cutest model evah!)

*wink*wink*

I figured if I went ahead and planned a few things ahead of time, we’d actually do them instead of thinking about doing them.  We’d love to have you join us for any of these, just let me know at least 2 days before each event if you’ll be there so that I have plenty of supplies for everyone.  (The one trip to Amphora Pottery Studio requires us to call one week ahead of time with the number of people attending, so please let me know about that one by June 29th.)

Most of these events are geared towards the 2-6 age range, and they are all mid-week activities.  If you can’t make it, but want to send your kids with another adult, that’s completely acceptable.  Grandmas and babysitters are welcome.

So if you live near me, we’d love to have you join us for a few fun activities this summer!

Check out what all we have planned:

(Unfortunately if I’ve never met you, you kinda have to know a friend…or at least a friend of a friend before I give you my address.  I’m not a complete lunatic.)

Lydia crawled into my bed somewhere around 7 and snuggled sleepily until 9.

Around 9:20 Carter came bounding into my room, pouncing on my bed.
(He, like my friend Courtney, wakes up with an astonishing amount of energy.)

Sometime shortly thereafter I heard Asa calling out from his crib.

He didn’t want to leave his lovies(blankets) behind, so they joined us for breakfast.

And after a few minutes of sitting in our chairs like proper little people, Lydia asked if we could eat under the table.

Ya know, why not?

So I found myself under the table, sharing my nutella french toast with my littles.

And although I’m sure there are some of you thinking “tsk, tsk, tsk…she let her children eat on the floor,”
(Note: On the floor, not off the floor.  We still used plates.)
I’m glad we did it.

If I hadn’t let them eat on the floor, we wouldn’t have played peek-a-boo by hiding behind the table legs.

And there wouldn’t have been nearly as many giggles and smiles.

Maybe we should eat on the floor more often.

Marshall and I aren’t really into celebrating anniversaries.
Birthdays?  YES!
Anniversaries?  Meh…a little.

But we usually try to go out on a real grown-up date and go somewhere fan-cy,
ya know, somewhere with cloth napkins and plates not made out of paper, plastic or metal.

Anyway…our dinner was nice, the conversation was wonderful, and the movie was funny.
It was the perfect end to the perfect day.

So what made my day so perfect?  I think my facebook status said it all:

Today I was a muffin-making, picture-taking, room-cleaning, fort-building, plant-watering, pool-swimming, giggle-inducing puller of the towel slide. And now I will shower, get dressed up and play like an adult for a few hours. All around awesome day!

The kids and I packed a week’s worth of fun into one day.
And it was ab.sol.ute.ly. perfect!

See?

BOO!!

And moments like this?

Oof.

Be still, my beating heart…

(Click any picture to enlarge)

If I knew then what I know now,
I would have made better financial decisions.

If I knew then what I know now,
I would have tried more of some things and less of others.

If I knew then what I know now,
I would have never worked at that one place.
(You know the one.)

If I knew then what I know now,
I would have believed in myself
and been confident in the person I was becoming.

And if I knew then what I know now,
I would have told myself to dream big;
expect the unexpected;
and remember that the past is worth remembering,
the future is worth anticipating,
but what really counts is the right here, right now.

I would have told myself to breathe deeply,
drink in every moment,
and be  happy.

I’m glad that even though I can’t go back and tell myself those things,
That there was someone, my special someone,
Who loved me enough to tell me these things when I needed to hear them.

Marshall, thank you for telling me and teaching me and loving me.

It’s been the best 9 years of my life, and I can’t wait for more.

P.S.  Your head is not nearly as oddly shaped as this picture makes it look.  Just sayin’.