One Year Ago Today

A year ago today I was wearing a purple sweater with freshly purchased maternity jeans and a pewter flower necklace.

A year ago today I went to work despite my aching abdomen and hoped that no one could tell that I was hurting.

A year ago today I knew before I actually knew that something was wrong, but I wasn’t ready to admit it.

A year ago today I called my OB’s office and talked with her nurse, who convinced me to come oin for an ultrasound just to be sure everything was ok.

A year ago today my heart stopped when I realized that the tiny heart inside of me had also stopped.

A year ago today I cried as my husband and my doctor took turns hugging and comforting me.

A year ago today I sat in my OB’s office as arrangements were made for a D&C.  I’d seen them done before, and I knew the drill from the medical perspective.  Very little was said because I already understood the process logically.  And there are no words to express the process emotionally.

A year ago today I went down to pre-op alone so that Marshall could go home and gather the things that I would be needing.  I was both tormented and relieved to be alone.  I wanted to be held, but I also wanted time to process it all.

A year ago today good friends and my family came to check on me, help with the kids, and do whatever they could.  I’ve rarely felt so loved in all my life.

A year ago today my OB came in to tell me it was time for the D&C, and before I knew it I was in recovery.  I t was still and quiet there because it was Thanksgiving Eve, and almost everyone else had gone home.

A year ago today I came home with my family and I wrote this post.  I sat at my desk and typed and cried for well over an hour, probably more.

A year ago today my heart was broken, but by the grace of my God who loves me more than I love that little baby…I began the healing process right then and there.

And now today I am 34 weeks into a new pregnancy.  It’s been a hard one, but everytime I complain I remember the pain of not being pregnant this time last year.  And my heart hurts for those who have had multiple miscarriages or who have wanted, but never been able to feel the kick of life inside their womb.

And these days I am often achy and exhausted, but excited that in just a few short weeks I will be able to meet the baby we affectionatly call #3A.

And these days I still often think about Elijah Ellison Ivey and who he would have been, could have been.  He would be about six months old by now-squealing, smiling, kicking.  And I am sad that I will never know him like I know my other kids.  But I suspect that he’ll always be a part of who I am, who I have become, and who I will be.

So…little Eli, I’ll never forget you, and you’ll always be in my heart.  I’m sure I’ll always wonder what it would have been like had things gone differently.  And I’m sure I’ll always miss you.  But I won’t be sad beacuse I do believe in God, and I do believe that you are with Him.  The Lord bless you and keep you, and make His face shine upon you…and give you peace(from Numbers 6).

No Responses to One Year Ago Today
  1. Jesse
    November 26, 2008 | 11:13 am

    I was thinking about you, and Eli, and Beth and remembering how strong and amazing you were. Let’s be thankful for this past year, and hopeful for a much more boring Thanksgiving!

  2. Jessica Jackson
    November 26, 2008 | 4:31 pm

    I’m about to cry, reading this post. Beautifully written. I’m right there with you. Thanks for validating how I still feel, and letting me know that it’s ok to feel that way even when I reach my “year ago today.”

  3. Peapodsquadmom
    November 26, 2008 | 10:47 pm

    Having experienced 3 such “one year ago todays,” I am sitting here in tears remembering that the pain is always ever-so-close for those who lose precious little ones. Though I did eventually go on to have a successful pregnancy and have an amazing family now, I’ll never forget those dark days. Honestly, I don’t know that I want to completely forget them. Those sad memories remind me how very blessed I am now. My broken heart is now so full of joy. Yet, like you beautifully said, I often wonder about those babies I never held in my arms.

    Great big hugs to you, my friend.

  4. Mandy E.
    November 28, 2008 | 10:52 pm

    I totally understand how you feel. As I’m sitting here surfing the internet holding my week old Eliza I cannot help but wonder about the one I lost last year too. He/she would have been 5 months old. Halloween was a somber reminder of that but like you, all I had to do was feel that little one kicking me to know that no matter how much it hurt, that God had a plan. I feel blessed to have had another chance to bring a child into this world. I can’t wait to see/meet little Ivey 3A. You are in my thoughts.

  5. Nicole
    December 6, 2008 | 7:59 pm

    I was just browsing and saw this site on your page and loved reading over all of your posts. I didn’t feel I should comment since you and I have never been close. Then I came to this. It isn’t often that I find someone that gets “one year ago today”. I also was pregnant on my “one year ago today” and while I was so thankful I felt a bit quilty too. It sounds like you have a wonderful supportive family and are doing well. I just wanted you to know that if you ever feel like you need to talk about it that has been there and understands. I do.