Daily Archives: 10:43 pm

Some where along the way I lost myself.

I fill lots of roles.  I do lots of things.  I go lots of places.

But in all this doing and going and going and doing, I seem to have somehow gotten lost.

For the past few weeks(months, really), I’ve really been struggling with my purpose, my passion.

Once upon a time(not so very long ago),
I was fire-y.
I was quick-witted and funny.
I was someone that other people wanted to be around.

But now?
Instead of being the kind of fire-y that makes you smile, I’m the kind of fire-y that makes you roll your eyes.
Instead of quick wit and jokes, I tend to get stuck in my own mind…unable to verbalize my thoughts.
Instead of being fun and exciting, I struggle to stay awake and make even polite conversation.

In an effort to become more, to do more, to love more…
In an effort to be the best I can be, do the most I can, help as many as possible…
I forgot that I have to make an effort to just be me.

I’m tired.
I’m weary.
I’m worn-down.

Even after a weekend of recharging, I’m dreading the days to come.

Something’s gotta give.

It’s not going to be my children.
It’s not going to be my marriage.
It’s not going to be my friends or my faith or my writing.

Oh, how I need my family and friends and faith right now.
And my writing?  I can’t stop it from coming.
Even when I step away from the computer, the writing is still there, filling page after page in my trusty, battered notebook.
Sometimes the words are my own, sometimes comforting words from others.
Bible verses.  Sacred words.
Scribbled quickly.
Or delicately and patiently drawn and decorated.
Praying in color.
Praying with a hodge-podge assortment of words that sometimes don’t even make sense to me.
Searching.  Longing.  Wishing.  Hoping.  Seeking.

What is my passion?

What stirs my soul?

I’m not sure anymore.

But I’m not giving up.
I’m still listening to that soft voice inside my heart and my head.

I will find me again.

Feb 5, 2010

At BlissdomAmber from the run-a-muck said something in one of the sessions that really resonated with me.
It obviously hit home for a lot of folks because I saw it all over twitter for several days.  She said:

My blog is a good place for you to get to know me, but my blog is also a good place for me to get to know me.

And she’s right.
It’s through my writings and ramblings that I am really figuring out who I am, what I am, and what I’m going to be.