More Than “Baby Blues”

This is a post that I wrote last year.  
But it seems like there are a lot of people struggling right now, so I thought I’d share it again.

I remember it.
I remember it well.

The wanting to breathe deep
And not being able to.

The wanting to smile
And have it reach all the way up to my eyes.

The wanting to laugh
And have it come from deep within.

The wanting to be happy.
The wanting to feel joy.

The knowing that this this is exactly what I wanted…
And then, once it was here, it feeling so empty.

Searching for joy,
Wanting it so deeply,
And it always being just out of reach.

Confused by what I knew I was supposed to feel
And what I was feeling.

Waking up one morning and realizing that it’s more…
It’s more than just a little sad.
It’s more than “baby blues”.
And wondering how it happened?
How it sneaked up on you without you even knowing…

Oh, how well I remember it.

But this time, I fought back before it had time to find me.
Before it slipped quietly into my mind, slyly and silently attacking from within.

But there are still moments when I start to breath in deeply and I choke on those old emotions.
There are still times when I smile at all the good, all the beauty around me
and yet it feels not quite as happy as it should be.
And there are still times when I catch my mind trying to trick me, trying to break.

But the difference this time is that I know it’s there.
I know what my mind is capable of doing to me
And I didn’t give it a chance this time.
I started fixing it before it was broken.

But I remember.
It’s something you never forget.
And something, I think, that’s never completely gone.

So I’m here to tell you that if you feel like this?
This quiet pain, invisible to so many?

Calm down
Deep breaths
And get yourself dressed
Hang on
Help is on the way
And stay strong
Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
Details in the Fabric*, Jason Mraz

You are not alone.
You are not crazy.
You are not a bad mom.
You are not a bad person.

Ask for help.
Tell somebody else how shitty it feels.
Don’t be ashamed of the terrible, horrible thoughts that cross your mind.

You’re not alone.
We get it.
Those of us who have been there…
We get it.

It might not feel like it now, but it will be fine…
And, looking back, it’ll seem like no time at all.

*FYI: Links to music that has curse words.

8 Responses to More Than “Baby Blues”
  1. Mary @ A Simple Twist of Faith
    November 2, 2011 | 8:12 am

    Thank you Bridget, this is just what I needed to read this morning.

  2. Laura
    November 2, 2011 | 8:20 pm

    Thank you for sharing your story and coming to my site to offer your words of encouragement to me. Big hugs and prayers for you!

  3. Jil
    November 2, 2011 | 10:44 pm

    Love you!! Hope you are doing better this year than last! You’re such a sweet, caring woman!

  4. Krishann
    November 3, 2011 | 9:40 am

    So wonderful of you to share this. I imagine it is just as moving to read these words as it was the day you first wrote them. I am so glad you shared it again. I think so many of us can relate. Whether we faced similar battles before parenthood, right after, later in life or even at this moment your words hold true – “you are not alone”.

  5. Paula
    November 4, 2011 | 10:27 am

    I remember those feelings…and thinking that I was a bad, weird person. Thanks for writing this. This topic should be talked about more often. Others need to know that they’re not alone!

  6. Gianna
    November 5, 2011 | 4:18 pm

    Oh, yeah. I’ve been there.
    I never thought I would go back all four times. After my third baby was born, I just cried to my husband, “i thought it would happen this time!”
    I was wrong.
    And the only only ONLY way to get through it is with help.

    I’m not sure how I found you, but here I am!

  7. Gianna
    November 5, 2011 | 4:21 pm

    I love this!
    My daughter woke up the next morning and didn’t feel good, so I kep her home from school.
    The whole time I was thinking, “I’m pretty sure it wasn’t because she ate too much candy. I don’t think it could be that at all. She didn’t eat THAT much!”

    I love you posts!