Outgrowing Insecurity

For some unknown reason, I thought by the time I was xx years old I would’ve grown up.
I would have learned how to balance everything I want to do.
I would know what I wanted to do with my life.
I would be able to let the little things go and embrace the important stuff with vigor.

I thought that -when I was finally a grownup – I would ‘get’ it.
I would understand the difference between right and wrong.
And I was hoping (oh, how I was hoping) that the gray areas would get smaller and smaller.

I thought that people wouldn’t act like children (myself included).
And that the middle school awkwardness would wear off.
I thought I’d be sure and confident.
And I wouldn’t be affected so much by others.

I thought that by now I’d have more things figured out.
I’d be wiser and kinder and calmer.
I’d not only know where I was headed, but I’d help others find their way.

I thought by now it would be different, I would be different.
But I’m still the same old me.

A few things have changed, though
And for this I am grateful.
I might not be much wiser in the ways of the world,
But I have learned a lot about myself.
I know that I am over-confident at times and all-too-often not confident enough.
And that figuring out when I am one or the other is the beginning of figuring out how to change it.
I know that sometimes my words are bigger and more powerful than I think they are.
And I should harness those words and value their effect.
I know that I am good at some things – very good even –
And that I should accept compliments with grace.
I know that comparing yourself to others is pointless and even dangerous to your self-esteem
And that though it looks like someone has it all, we never really know what hurts they carry.

(I’ve learned these things.  I know these things.  I know them well.
Yet knowing what I should do and what I actually do are two different things.)

But I’m hoping that by the time I’m xx years old, I’ll finally have it all figured out.
(i’m not gonna hold my breath)

7 Responses to Outgrowing Insecurity
  1. But Why Mommy
    March 8, 2012 | 3:46 pm

    Let me know when you get there. I keep hoping every day I’ll figure it out and some day I will.

  2. Tara
    March 8, 2012 | 4:22 pm

    We are kindred spirits, my friend.

  3. DesignHER Momma
    March 8, 2012 | 8:50 pm

    I totally “get” it and agree.
    I think back to my mom, who also had four kids, and I remebering her always having it put together. But now I’m wondering if it just appeared that she had her act together, because I was a kid, and I didn’t know any better….

  4. punkinmama
    March 9, 2012 | 4:26 pm

    I’m still waiting myself…

    …not sure I’ll ever be there…

  5. Jil
    March 9, 2012 | 4:56 pm

    I think we’re all in this together. I’m almost 50 and I’m still not there. You’d think I’d have it figured out by now. But isn’t that why we’re here to help each other through this short time here on earth.

  6. Malia
    March 9, 2012 | 5:23 pm

    I often wonder why it is I still feel like I’m in high school, at least emotionally. And while I can look back over the last 15 or so years and see ways that I am now very different than I was then, it still feels as if little has actually changed.

  7. Carmen
    March 9, 2012 | 9:12 pm

    I told you – I’m still waiting for the grown ups to show up. 🙂