I’ve been struggling lately with just where exactly I fit.
It’s not quite an existential crisis, but maybe a mini one.
I do this periodically, like a snake shedding its skin.
Not that I’m a snake, or all that snakes symbolize in life and literature…
But in that my skin gets too tight and uncomfortable and I must wiggle free.
And what do I leave behind?
Ideas, emotions, beliefs even.
When I look at the compartments of my life I’m very happy in most of them.
I am soverymuch in love with homeschool.
So much so that I get weepy when I think of all the opportunities it has brought to our life, our days.
Marshall and I are at a place that’s a bit beyond comfortable and yet not mundane.
I’m working on crafts for Christmas and that satisfies a host of creative desires.
My real, true friendships – though fewer than I ever thought I’d have – are strong and meaningful.
But my house feels too big and my car feels too cumbersome.
I might not like my clothes, but my closet is bursting with color (and black).
(There is always lots of black).
I have dishes I never use and lamps I never turn on.
Two of them don’t even have lightbulbs.
And I wonder, if I will hold back a simple lamp from fulfilling its purpose, who else am I holding back?
They sit there, not even having the basics of what they need, something I could provide with a few dollars and yet.I.dont.
Maybe I’m over-thinking things.
But still I can’t quite seem to balance needs and wants, something I thought I’d have figured out by now.
And I sit here in clean clothes drinking filtered water and eating organic carrots.
And I just feel like my skin doesn’t fit, that something something just isn’t right,
though I can’t tell you exactly what that something is.
I do know that right now, in this moment, world seems so big and the hurt so palpable.
And I feel so small and helpless.
I know just what you mean. Exactly.
Part of my issue is that I always feel like I’m waiting. Waiting to be a grown up. Waiting to be in a real home. Waiting for something permanent. And while I wait, I keep going so that I don’t get stuck. Being an adult is hard. But shedding your skin is good, it means you’re growing.
This is called LIFE. You will from time to time have these feelings. It is normal I have discovered. We are constantly changing and evolving. I question sometimes about my purpose and what God wants me to be. Am I following God’s plan? Am I being the person I need to be? This keeps us dependent on God and not ourselves. I focus on these verses often: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Acknowledge Him in all your ways and He will direct your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6. The interesting thing is that it is not “path” but “paths”, plural. That tells me that we may go in many different directions and yet be doing what God wants. I find that comforting. Trust me, I have been doing much soul searching lately. I love you so much for being the wonderful daughter I always wanted! Love you baby girl!
I so agree with Cathy! What an amazing summary. Enjoy the life you have but don’t wait too long trying to figure it out – mean while missing out on what you have! Heavenly Father wants us to be happy. Lean on Him and love the life He gives you!