Tag Archive: #3A

It catches me off guard

This year Thanksgiving passed me by without me even remembering.

Last year we were at Disney.
The year before we were anxiously awaiting Asa’s arrival.
The year before that we were sitting-quite unexpectedly-at our little house in northeast Georgia.

I can still hear the voices of my family, my friends whispering in the other room.
Not sure what to say, but just being there…

I can still remember sitting in the ultrasound room, my eyes straining to see what was no longer there.

I can still remember my OB coming into the room.
I’d held it together until she walked into the room.

I can still remember waking up in the recovery room to friendly faces.
Friends who postponed their own holiday plans for me.  For me.

I can still remember calling the mom of “my girls” that I nannied.
And I remember being so grateful that she was a doctor because all I could eek out on the phone was,
“I’m having a D&C.  You’ll explain to the girls?”

I can still remember sitting alone at my basement desk, writing this post.

I can still remember talking my friends into going to a movie with me-
A movie that I loved, they hated.

I can still remember so much about that day, those days.
I can still close my eyes and end up in any one of those moments.

(Although in my mind they never occur in the sequence that they occurred in real life.
Like my mind was trying so hard to take it all in, that there was no time for proper sequencing as it was all being filed away.)

I can still remember so much and yet…
There are times that I forget.

It’s always right there, hidden in the back of my mind.
But sometimes it just gets covered up by all the other stuff, all the other chaos that defines my life.

And then I read something like this:

I was okay, and not okay.  I changed diapers and folded laundry and wrote…and I flinched every time I saw the date on the calendar, the date that would have been the due date…How do you mark a birthday that isn’t a birthday at all?
(from Shauna Niequist’s book “Bittersweet“)

And I remember.

I see pictures of babies who were born when my baby was supposed to be born.
And I remember.

I talk to someone who has recently had a miscarriage.
And I remember.

I hear another child called by his name and my throat catches.
And I remember.

I will never forget…and yet, I am thankful that I don’t always remember.
That baby, forever known in my heart as my sweet little Elijah, is as much a part of me and who I am as my other children.
But as I get further and further away from the day that changed me,
I find that I think of him less and less.

And sometimes I feel guilty about that.
But mostly…it makes me more grateful for the children I do hold in my arms.

Get Set…

5:45 on Monday morning.  We’ll be leaving for the hospital in a few minutes!  Yay!  Iwent to bed early last night(complements of Ambien), and it was so worth it!  Because now I’m wide awake and really ready for today!

With my other pregnancies, I was surprized at how quickly it all went.  This time has been different.  I guess because I was so sick, and because we had so many major life changes during this pregnancy, and I had the misscarriage just last year….well, it feels like this pregnancy has lasted a long, long time.  And I’m more ready this time(I think! 🙂 ). 

Emmie woke up at somepoint last night and just wanted me to hold her.  We’ve been talking to her about the new baby, and that the new baby is coming and all that jazz.  But I think it’s just really now starting to sink in.  With my friends Jesse and Noelle here to keep her and Tucker, she knows something big is up.  In some ways I’m sad that she won’t be “the baby” anymore.  But it’ll be good for her.  And I think she’ll take well to her Big Sister role.  She’s quite the little mommy with her toys.  She even changes their diapers!  🙂   Eventhough I might not be brave enough to let a 2 year old change a diaper, it’s nice to know that she’s willing to help.  But last night, she just wanted her mommy to hold and cuddle her.  She just wanted to be the baby a little bit longer…and I wanted her to be, too, if I’m honest with myself.  So she stayed in my bed for a long time last night.  Until her breaths were slow and even, and I was sure she was sound asleep.  And as I went in to kiss her this morning, I was surprized at just how big she looks.  

Tucker…is just Tucker.  He doesn’t seem to care one way or another that there’s a new baby coming.  I think he gets it, but I think it’s a “been-there-done-that” kind of thing for him.  I hope he’ll be excited when he meets the new baby.

Well, I’m going to be late if I don’t stop typing.  The hospital doesn’t have Wi-Fi, but I hope Marshall will be able to update you all sometime today or tomorrow.  Otherwise, check facebook!  🙂

On Your Mark…

Hopefully 12 hours from now, we’ll be able to give you all some idea of what’s going on.  I go in at 6:30 in the morning to be induced.  Since I’m already dilated some, I’m hoping that things will progress much faster than with the previous two(late night deliveries).  I’d be happy to be done by lunch…but I’m not holding my breath.

As much as I’ve hated the nausea, vomiting, headaches, and other aches…I’m kind of sad to see this end.  This may(or may not…) be my last biological child.  It’s been hard…and I’m not sure I want to chance that again…but I do love new babies…and I do love having kids!  Even amist the chaos, being a mommy is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.  There is nothing else like it.

Anyway, I took an Ambien so that I could go to sleep easily…and it’s kicking in(hence the rambling).  So I’m just going to say one more thing.  As I took my bath tonight, I was thinking abotu how much calmer everything seems this time.  Despite being under the care of new doctors, and being in a new hospital…I’m not really stressed about anything this time.  Everything seemed to be running so smoothly tonight…until I threw up!  Grrr….I will not miss the throwing up!   But I will miss the wiggles taht only (s)he and I share.  The kicks and bumps and hiccups.  I’m sad to see that go.  But tomorrow we will meet the elusive #3A.  If you have facebook, keep track there.  I hope I’ll be able to do mobile updates and post a picture pretty soon after (s)he makes a debut.  If you don’t have facebook…well, then…you just suck.  And you’ll have to wait until I can get it all up on here.

I’m sleepy…goodnight!

Not much, but something…

I have enough experience to know that being 1cm dialated isn’t a big deal.  But I was still pretty pumped when the doc told me that she could feel the baby’s head.  With an induction date set for Dec. 22nd, I can’t complain too much…but I sure wouldn’t mind if I went into spontaneous labor before then.  Y’all pray hard.  I’ll pray hard.  And let’s see if we can’t pray this baby out or something…

Here we go again…

So, I spent the night in the hospital Tuesday night. At least I think it was Tuesday night…my days are all a blur at this point. Don’t freak out…no baby yet.

This pregnancy, as you all know well, hasn’t exactly been the most fun. I started out with nasty nausea, vomiting and headaches that lasted well into my second trimester. Then I had a few weeks of relief. I’d have an occasional headache, and I’d only throw up once a week instead of every day. Not ideal, but better in comparison.

Then, starting last weekend, I began to have this sinus-headache-like feeling. You know the type: dull, achy pain that just won’t go away no matter what you take(and of course, my medicinal arsenal is greatly diminished by my “condition”).  All weekend, it was the little headache who could.  And did.  It got worse, and worse, and worse.  I woke up in the middle of the night Monday night/Tueday morning and was in such pain I could hardly make it to the bathroom.  I tried a variety of drugs and other therapies(massage, cold compress, warm compress, pressure, etc.) all to no avail.  By the time I got to my doctor’s appointment, I was in tears.  Literally.  Now most of you know that eventhough I’m an emotional sap, I’m not really a cryer(at least in front of other people).  I could not believe that I teared up at the sight of my doctor.  I knew I felt like crap, but I also knew that I had no medical reason to feel quite so crappy.  Sure, my blood pressure was up…but it’s been up for a while now.  And, as he put it, “You look great on paper!”  But it was blatantly obvious that I wasn’t ok in real life.  He sent me to the hosptial for labwork and fluids and observation.  They tried a variety of drugs on me(one of which left me feeling completely psychotic, and I hated!) and what we figured out was that…I have a headache.  Yeah…that’s about it.  A headache.  One that’s better when I’m laying down, but rears it’s ugly head anytime I sit or stand up.  So, as of now, I’m on bed rest(again), but this time it’s not so bad.  I actually feel bad this time.  With my previous pregnancies, I felt okay…so my bed was like a prison.  This time my bed is my haven.  And all the people helping with the kids and housework?  Well, they’re saints.  Thanks to you all.

So what does this mean for you all, my adoring fans eagerly awaiting the arrival of #3A???  It means that I have promise from the docs that if this baby doesn’t give us reason to meet sooner, (s)he will be here on Dec. 22nd.  That means(hopefully) we’ll be home on Christmas Eve, and will be able to celebrate the holiday as a family of 5!  I guess I actually need to get something to put in his/her stocking, then, huh?   A can of formula maybe?  🙂

Always be prepared.

I was never a girl scout.  (Or is that the boy scout motto?  Well, I wasn’t one of those either…).  Let’s just say that even though I was never a scout of any kind, I’ve always been the girl you wanted to have around if you found yourself in need of some random item.  My purse is(and has been for a long time) crammed full of lots of crap that’s very often not needed, but turns out to be a life saver in the most random of moments.  Have a headache?  I have Tylenol, Ibuprofen and Alleve.  Paper cut?  I’ve got bandaids.  Stinky breath?  I probably have some gum and some of those little melt-on-your-tongue thingys.  Need a pony tail holder?  I have a few hundred in the bottom of my bag at all times.  Snack?  It’s really smooshed, but I do have a granola bar!  See what I mean?  Always be prepared.

But here I find myself with #3A being as unprepared as I’ve ever been.  Not mentally or physically…I’m so ready to meet him or her, and my body is more than ready to rid itself of this “parasite”.  But we still don’t have a name picked out(boy or girl).  We still have boxes completely filling the baby’s room.  (You can get to the crib, but not the glider/rocker.)  I don’t have a concrete plan set up for what’s going to happen with Tucker and Emmie while we’re at the hospital.  We also don’t have a plan for the dogs.  I haven’t packed a single thing for the hospital…for me or the rugrat.  I just don’t have it together this go ’round. 

Last night I was having some pretty significant pain…Braxton Hicks,  unfortunately, because they would never settle into a good pattern.  I’ve felt pretty crappy all day today, too.  So it’s given me plenty of opportunity to lay around and think about all the things that need to be done.  But have I actually done any of it today?  No…I did take 2 naps and watch “The Holiday” though.  Oh…and the kids and I read about 100 books this afternoon.  That has to count for something, right?

So…instead of focusing on what I haven’t done, let’s take a quick look at what I have done. 

I washed the carseat.  It was pretty gross.  Em got a kick out of trying to fit in it. 

I’ve been through the “big kids” clothes to see what was salvageable, but I’m realizing now that formula spit-up stains get very, very dark over the 2-4 years the clothes have been in storage.  If it’s a boy, we’re doing ok on clothes.  Tucker was also born in January, so there are a lot of winter 0-3 month clothes.  But if this little one ends up being a girl, she’s sunk.  Emerson was born in August.  No cold weather clothes for her in 0-3 month size!  So…if you’ve asked me if there’s anything we need, and if it happens to be a girl, then my answer is clothes. 

I’ve read/skimmed 4 baby name books, and looked online countless numbers of times…but have yet to find anything that seems to sound good together, and also sound good with Tucker and Emmie.  You have to have sibling name flow.  And First Middle Last name flow has is important, too.  I have a system of what’s acceptable sounding and what’s not…but it’s really too confusing to try to explain.  It just has to flow…

I have a plan of what to do with Tucker and Emmie if #3A comes after school is out.  But if (s)he makes her debut before the end of school, I’m floundering…

With both of my other kids, the hosptial rooms were full of our family and friends.  This hospital is much smaller(as are the rooms), and they have rules about how many people can be allowed in the room.  I’ve kind of not been thinking about this because I hate to have to pick and choose who comes in and who gets left outside.  But we need to figure this stuff out, too, and let people know what the plan is.  Of course, how often to things actually go as planned?

I need to make a “to call” list and an “email” list.  And I need to delegate people to take care of each of those.

And I need to take time, like today, to just sit back and enjoy these last few days/weeks of feeling a little one move inside me.  I need to enjoy letting Emmie be “the baby” for a little bit longer, and enjoy watching Tucker transform into a really “big kid”.  I know that once the baby comes, I won’t have as much time to listen to them play trains or “Dora” when they don’t think I’m listening, or watch “The Grinch” from start to finish with no interuptions, or hear little feet pounding all the way down the hallway and into the living room and into my room each morning…all to be greeted with crazy bed-head, stinky morning breath, and unlimited snuggles.

So yeah…I’m excited, and unprepared.  But as I write this I’m feeling better about it.  The baby won’t care about the boxes or whether or not there’s a bed in that room.  Girls can wear boys clothes.  And there will be somebody who can keep the kids, I’m sure.  And what really matters most is not all the planning and preparing of the “stuff”, but the planning and preparing of our hearts and our home(not our house) for a new little one.

The third go 'round…

Most of you have probably seen this before, but I got it once in an email and I thought I’d share it here.  (I would love to give the author credit here, but I couldn’t find out who wrote it…)

Changing Attitudes for 1st, 2nd and 3rd Babies
Your Clothes
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don’t bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn’t do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

The Layette
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn’s clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby’s little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean & discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can’t they?

1st baby: At the first sign of distress–a whimper, a frown–you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

1st baby: You change your baby’s diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn’t squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

I was a nanny for a long time before I actually had kids of my own, so I don’t quite relate to some of these.  I was careful and cautious with other people’s kids, but by the time my own came around, well…I never took a birthing class or practiced breathing.  I signed up for the epidural the moment I walked in the door.  I let my kids “cry it out” more than I probably should have.  As a matter of fact there were plenty of times I would make sure they were safe…and either get in the shower or go outside for a few minutes.  I got really bad about remembering to change diapers until I’d notice that they were sagging, had soaked through, or had exploded and left “pee crystals” all over the place.  I’ve scared more than one teenage babysitter by saying, “Don’t call me unless someone is dead or dying.”  I’ve sacred more than one other parent by telling them who I had lined up to babysit. (You’re going to let fill-in-the-blank keep your kids????)

BUT one thing that I’ve always been pretty good about is making sure that the nursery is ready.  With my first, it was painted and decorated, ready and waiting months in advance.  With Emerson things were even easier to get ready.  Since she was going to be sharing a room with her “big” brother(only 19 months old at the time), there wasn’t a whole lot we had to do other than move Tucker over to the “big bed”.  Luckliy there was no “big bed” trauma like so many of my friends have experienced.

This time, however…the new baby’s room looks like this:


As you can see, the nursery is full of boxes.  The crib is full of Christmas presents.  There is no shower curtain in the bathroom.  I’ve not hung a single picture or any drapes.  I haven’t even bought drapes or wall decor!  I do have an excuse or two, though:  we have moved twice in a matter of months, I’ve been sicker longer and more often, my “big kids” are at a point where you can’t trust them alone for more than 10 minutes, I’m supposed to be “taking it a little easy” because of my blood pressure, and I’m just plain tired. 

Oh, well…#3A won’t know what boxes are, or even actually be able to see them very well.  (S)he will need the crib cleaned out, but even if that doesn’t happen then (s)he can sleep in the car seat if need be for a night or two.  I’m pretty sure that (s)he won’t be taking showers very soon, so the shower curtain shouldn’t be an issue either.  I do however need to actually find the carseat.  And it’d probably be a good idea to buy at least one pack of diapers.  I don’t think Emmie’s size 5’s will be very useful.  I haven’t bought any new clothes, but I should probably wash the few unisex things I have…they have, after all, been packed up for 2 years.

I kind of can’t believe that I’m already a little over 34 weeks.  Since I’ve never made it past 38 weeks, that means little #3A could be(and hopefully will be) here in less than a month.  I really must look for that carseat tomorrow!

True tales from life in the (mommy)hood…

If you can’t stomach gross stories or just don’t like them, please stop reading now.  Come back tomorrow.  I promise to have a more upbeat post then.  Something light, short and funny.

I think my body actually believes that if it can cause me to vomit frequently enough or violently enough, it may just be able to rid itself of that pesky little ball of cells causing so many problems. My throbbing head, aching abdomen and unsettled stomach are about to convince me that they are right.

With my other pregnancies, nausea slipped in the door quietly at about 9 weeks…and just as polietly excused itself at around 12, knowing when to make a discreet exit.  I have to admit that during that whole time(from the beginning of pregnancy #1 until now) I thought you “sickly” type preggos were drama queens.  Playing all the rest of us for the fool, just trying to gain some sympathy.  I’d roll my eyes whenever I heard things like, “I just can’t handle cleaning the toilet when I’m pregnant” or “I can’t even look at feta cheese without wanting to hurl.”  Stop your whining!  Clean the toilet and eat the cheese, I’d smugly think.  You can’t be that bad off!

And then along came #3A  Nausea marched in horns a-blaring, announcing that (s)he was here to stay.  Initially, after the miscarriage only months before, I was glad to see the nausea. It was my friend. It meant that there was actually still something there. But now…well, it’s really starting to get old! I can’t change a poopie diaper(or sometimes even a pee diaper!) without losing it. And trying to deal with the potty training?? I’d rather have my toenails ripped off slowly one by one than have to suffer through one more episode of “dump the poop in the pot from the now-stained underwear.” Poor Tucker has even gotten to the point where when he has an accident he asks, “Mommy, am I gonna make you frow up?” The child is never going to poop in the potty if he thinks I’m going to toss my cookies every time!

I’m pretty sure I reached rock bottom last week. Home alone with the kids, I thought to myself: “It might be a good idea to get ni the bathtub and relax, see if I can coax this nausea into hiding.” Oh, what a great idea it was in my head! The kids could watch TV while I left the door cracked just enough to see them from the tub. I could soak away all the aches and pains that come with constant vommiting. (Who knew you used so many muscles to throw up?) I could dip my head under the water to help relieve the tension of my now-ever-present headache. I could just do my pest to think about nothing. Nothing at all. My husband assures me that this is possible, although I’ve never actually achieved it myself! Enevitably, something always comes up. So today Em toddles into the bathroom and announces that she “tooted”. I can assure you that the girl did more than “toot”. But being the horrible(and, let me remind you, very sick at the moment) mommy that I am, I say, “Just go finish watching Wilbur, okay? Then I’ll help you.” Oh, but no. She’s persistant! I guess he had the right to be…what with poo smeared all over her butt. So she stayed in the bathroom and “chatted” with me like only a 2 year old can do.

Tucker all of a sudden realized that the book on Wilbur is no longer intriguing, and that he is missing all the fun in the bathroom. So he joins us, still in his pee-soaked overnight diaper. (See, I am a horrible parent!) 16 weeks ago I’d have never have left him sitting around in a diaper as disgusting as that! But pregnancy can change a girl!  So…he tells me that he needs to pee, and proceeds to pull the diaper off like underwear.

Now, for those of you who don’t have kids or who simply don’t ever leave your kid in a diaper for too long like I do, let me explain to you a little about diaper physics.  Inside diapers these days are these little moisture-absorbing crystals.  They’re tucked discreetly between the inner pee-catching layer and the outer pee-containing layer.  When these little suckers get wet, they swell up to something incredible like 500 times their original size.  That’s when normal parents notice that their child has a soggy bottom and, like a responsible non-vomiting adult change the diaper.  OH, but not me!  If you continue to push the absorption limit, you’ll eventually find that the diaper begins to desinigrate, leaving behind a urine-crystal covered kid.  It’s gross. Trust me.  But it’s even grosser to watch said diaper as it is rolled down the bony little legs of a 3 year old, pee-crystals flying this way and that.  I sat in the tub, watching them cascade dwon his leg and all over the bathroom floor like everything was in slow motion.  And as I tried to so hard to say “No”, I began to vomit mericlessly into my bathwater.  All over me…all in the tub…everywhere.  I started to cry, as did both of my now-completely-traumatized-and-destined-for-therapy children. 

And that’s when I realized that I truely had reached a low point in my life:  home alone with two scared and crying children, whom I can’t comfort because I’m soaking wet, completely naked, and covered in my own puke.  Welcome to mommyhood!

So…that’s my bad mommy moment of the month(hopefully it’s bad enough that we’ll be able to catch a break the next few months!)  Please don’t hate me, think I’m a truely terrible mom, leave mean comments or call DFCS.