I know…

I know that it’s just the pregnancy hormones.
I know that it’s why I’m tired and grumpy and weepy.
(Oh, how I hate being weepy.)

I know that it’s what is causing the headaches.
I know that it’s what is making me feel like I can’t keep up.
I know that it’s the stupid friggin’ hormones that make me all dark and twisty.
I know it.

And yet?
I can’t do anything about it.
I can’t stop it.
I can’t fight it.

And I want to.

I want to for myself,
for my family,
for my kids.

They deserve better than this.
You deserve better than this.

No one deserves my sour attitude and cranky disposition.

When I get like this, I tend to shut down.
I shut out other people because I know how easy it is for me to snap mean, hurtful things.
Things that I don’t even mean.
Things that in some ways I regret.
But in some weird, crazy way…it’s satisfying.

And I absolutely hate when I feel that way, when I do that.

But really?  You want to know what the worst part is?
The trying to be bright and shiny.
The trying to smile and be happy.

I’m not new to this.
I know how to fight.
I know what to do.

But that doesn’t make it any easier.

6 Responses to I know…
  1. Nicole Land
    July 20, 2010 | 8:58 pm

    I have so been there! I hope your dark and twisty doesn’t last too long. If you need to yell or just whine… send em to me. Sometimes it just helps to let it out!

  2. Chibi Jeebs
    July 20, 2010 | 9:31 pm

    Aside from the pregnancy hormones, this sounds painfully familiar and sucks so bad. You said you needed a hug: I could use one, too. I’ll squeeze you tight if you’ll hug me back?

    *big, fat, squooshy bewbie hugs*

  3. domestic extraordinaire
    July 20, 2010 | 10:06 pm

    love you my friend.

    I totally understand.

    if you need to vent you know where to reach me.

    praying for you lots.


  4. Becky
    July 21, 2010 | 7:28 am

    This too shall pass (don’t get your eyes stuck in the back of your head during the eye roll) This is wonderful advice, but sometimes when hear it I think “This too shall piss me off.” Let’s go to Amphora. Let’s paint a big fat plate a hostile red color. (actually let’s paint a small one – don’t want to spend too much $$) and then go somewhere and throw them on the ground!) I’ve heard smashing things is very therapeutic, but I wouldn’t know because my life is totally together and I never get upset. (I also drink a lot and self medicate with narcotics) Seriously girl – call me/email me/text me – vent with horrible, hateful ugly words (as long as they’re not directed toward me – you know how sensitive I am) I love you & I want things to get better ASAP. Please let me help. Please let me know if I can do anything to help!!

  5. punkinmama
    July 21, 2010 | 2:42 pm

    (((HUGS))) friend.

  6. designHer Momma
    July 21, 2010 | 7:55 pm

    I just told my girlfriend tonight. I’m here for you, I understand, bitch and whine as much as you want. I’m listening. Truly I am….