Growing Pains

I’ve been struggling lately with just where exactly I fit.
It’s not quite an existential crisis, but maybe a mini one.
I do this periodically, like a snake shedding its skin.
Not that I’m a snake, or all that snakes symbolize in life and literature…
But in that my skin gets too tight and uncomfortable and I must wiggle free.
And what do I leave behind?
Ideas, emotions, beliefs even.

When I look at the compartments of my life I’m very happy in most of them.
I am soverymuch in love with homeschool.
So much so that I get weepy when I think of all the opportunities it has brought to our life, our days.
Marshall and I are at a place that’s a bit beyond comfortable and yet not mundane.
I’m working on crafts for Christmas and that satisfies a host of creative desires.
My real, true friendships – though fewer than I ever thought I’d have – are strong and meaningful.

But my house feels too big and my car feels too cumbersome.
I might not like my clothes, but my closet is bursting with color (and black).
(There is always lots of black).
I have dishes I never use and lamps I never turn on.
Two of them don’t even have lightbulbs.
And I wonder, if I will hold back a simple lamp from fulfilling its purpose, who else am I holding back?
They sit there, not even having the basics of what they need, something I could provide with a few dollars and yet.I.dont.
Maybe I’m over-thinking things.

But still I can’t quite seem to balance needs and wants, something I thought I’d have figured out by now.
And I sit here in clean clothes drinking filtered water and eating organic carrots.
And I just feel like my skin doesn’t fit, that something something just isn’t right,
though I can’t tell you exactly what that something is.
I do know that right now, in this moment, world seems so big and the hurt so palpable.
And I feel so small and helpless.

4 Responses to Growing Pains
  1. Tara
    October 11, 2012 | 1:15 pm

    I know just what you mean. Exactly.

  2. Sherry Carr-Smith
    October 11, 2012 | 3:46 pm

    Part of my issue is that I always feel like I’m waiting. Waiting to be a grown up. Waiting to be in a real home. Waiting for something permanent. And while I wait, I keep going so that I don’t get stuck. Being an adult is hard. But shedding your skin is good, it means you’re growing.

  3. CathyMartin
    October 11, 2012 | 8:00 pm

    This is called LIFE. You will from time to time have these feelings. It is normal I have discovered. We are constantly changing and evolving. I question sometimes about my purpose and what God wants me to be. Am I following God’s plan? Am I being the person I need to be? This keeps us dependent on God and not ourselves. I focus on these verses often: “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Acknowledge Him in all your ways and He will direct your paths.” Proverbs 3:5-6. The interesting thing is that it is not “path” but “paths”, plural. That tells me that we may go in many different directions and yet be doing what God wants. I find that comforting. Trust me, I have been doing much soul searching lately. I love you so much for being the wonderful daughter I always wanted! Love you baby girl!

  4. Jil
    October 13, 2012 | 4:09 pm

    I so agree with Cathy! What an amazing summary. Enjoy the life you have but don’t wait too long trying to figure it out – mean while missing out on what you have! Heavenly Father wants us to be happy. Lean on Him and love the life He gives you!