I’m not who I used to be or who I want to be.

**After I’d already written this post and scheduled it to go up, I read this post by DesignHerMomma.
And apparently there’s an epidemic of this because Jenny wrote about this, too.

A girl’s weekend of Bliss.

surprise get-a-way with my husband.

Some time away from the kids and my volunteer job.

I needed those.

And in many ways I do feel rejuvenated, renewed.

I’m happy to be back with my kids.  They’re funny and adorable and super squeezeable.

But I’m not glad to be back to a schedule I can’t seem to keep up with,
deadlines looming over my head, and plans that desperately need to be made.

My house is a disaster.
I haven’t edited photos in weeks.
I finally finished my book for book club, and I’d like to start another one but I know I don’t have time.

While Marshall and I were on our mini-vacation, we had a lot of time to talk.
(We also had a lot of time to just be quiet and enjoy that comfortable silence that never happens in a house with 3 kids.)
We talked a lot about my feeling disconnected and out-of-touch with him, my friends, even myself.
As usual, he was kind and understanding, wanting to help me
but willing to give me time and space to figure it out on my own.
(Have I mentioned how much I love him?)
We talked about what was holding me back from being content.
We talked about depression.  And he and I both agreed that this time it’s different.
I’m not depressed, but I am out of sorts.

I think part of the problem is that I’m just tired.
I bit off more than I can chew.
I see that now, but I can’t stop.
I will finish my commitments.
I will do my best.
But in the future, I’ll take saying “yes” more seriously.
I’ll quit giving an automatic “yes” to every request.
I’ll start pausing, thinking.

Someone once told me that you don’t really find yourself until you’re 34.
That’s her opinion, and I don’t think it’s true for everyone…
But I have to admit that I’m wondering if she didn’t have a point.

I look back at how much I’ve changed since we got married,
since Marshall started med school,
since I became a mother,
since I moved back to my hometown.

And I’ve looked at my mentors and heroes for inspiration about who I want to become.
And I’ve read scriptures that I hope guide my way to becoming the woman I want to be.

I’m not who I used to be or who I want to be.
And maybe that’s a good thing.

Apparently I only have 3 1/2 more years to figure out who I am.

8 Responses to I’m not who I used to be or who I want to be.
  1. Becky
    February 16, 2010 | 5:19 am

    I think you are amazing and wonderful and fabulous. I want to be you when I grow up. I hope we are always always always friends.

  2. Jenny from Mommin' It Up
    February 16, 2010 | 7:12 am

    Thanks for writing this Bridget! Let’s pray for each other, while we are in this weird season and when we are past it.

  3. punkinmama
    February 16, 2010 | 2:44 pm

    Though, I’m *almost* 36 – and I still haven’t figured myself out. Maybe I’m just a late bloomer…

  4. Jesse
    February 16, 2010 | 6:03 pm

    You’re my best friend, duh…that’s all you need to be!

  5. Aunt Dianne
    February 17, 2010 | 9:57 pm

    You won’t find yourself in a little over 3 years. I find a little more of myself every day, but I have found out it’s not the finding that makes me what I am. It’s the journey that I travel to get there. I really don’t have to discover a definitive me because I am always changing, evolving. I am a lot older than you, and sometimes I don’t have clue. You do need to learn how to say “no”. Enjoy your children, enjoy Marshall, enjoy yourself. Sometimes you have to be a little selfish even when others say, “If you don’t, nobody else will.” Somehow God always provides and somebody else steps up to the plate and does. At your age, don’t confine yourself “discovering who you are” but rather keep growing, expanding, learning, and sometimes just going with the flow. It’s a lot more fun!!! Love you!

  6. lettergirl
    February 19, 2010 | 3:23 pm

    Bridget, I love this post so much. I love your Aunt Dianne’s comments, too. I’m also floored to be one of your links. You inspire me to be better.

  7. Mama
    February 20, 2010 | 8:48 am

    I am just now reading this blog. I can say I know how you feel. I understand your passion for wanting to do good and meet everybody’s needs. But, there comes a time when you must realize you have to take care of yourself BEFORE you can help anyone else. Only experience teaches this. As a Christian, we are always trying to help others. But, even Jesus retreated to quiet places for rest and relaxation and reflection.
    I am so proud of my little girl(which you will always be, no matter how old you get). I pray that you will soon have some relief from your church responsibilities. As much as you want our youth group to flourish, you cannot do it alone. Please know that you have MANY people who love and support you. You are always in my prayers.