You are always here.

I am acutely aware of you at all times.
During no part of my day (or night) am I able to forget or pretend that you aren’t there.

I bend over and find that I can’t breathe.
I can’t cross my legs or even put on my pants easily.
I attempt to roll over in bed and have to heave myself from one side to the other.

But there are times when I get so busy or wrapped up in what’s going on in the outside world
that I quit noticing when you move and squiggle.
I get consumed by what’s happening around me and I don’t notice you.

And then, as things begin to calm down for me, I wait for you to move.
And then promptly freak out when there is nothing but stillness.

I know very well that babies sleep.
They move a while and they are still awhile.
I know this and yet my over-active imagination goes into hyper-drive.

I close my eyes and mine my memory…
When did I last feel you move?
Wait…it’s been at least…hell, I don’t know…a long time, it seems.

And I push you and prod you trying to get you to move.
Oh, God, I find myself saying.
What have I done?
(Because in my mind it’s always something that I’ve done.)
What if I smooshed you?
What if my bath was too hot and you got overheated?
(Yes, I am well aware of the irrationality of these ideas.
And yet, here they are…bubbling to the top.)

I get myself all worked up and then…
Very subtly, you move.
Probably just a hand turning a little more towards your face
Or maybe you’re moving your leg to a more comfortable position.
(Although at this point, I’m not sure any way you settle can be considered comfortable.)

But you were there.
It was there, subtle though it may have been.
Something certainly moved.
And I realize that even though I had my doubts, you were always there.
I realize that even though I wasn’t aware of you, you were aware of me.

And my mind can’t help but draw a parallel to God.
I can’t help but think that this is the same way it is with the Holy Spirit.
Regardless of my doubts, God is always there.
Even when I’m not aware of God, God is always there.

And I am yet again crushed by the reminder that you-
this tiny little thing-
one who has never even breathed a breath of air or felt the wind blow or seen a sunrise
or any of those things that we so often associate with the a higher power.
You are probably closer to God than I am.
And God is using you to connect with me.

And I am once again taken aback that The One Who Made All Things wants me,
is interested in me.
And has given me this moment with you to remind me that
You are fearfully and wonderfully made.

And I am, too.

Thank you, sweet girl for reminding me.
I love you already.

Love, Mommy

“God has done all this so that we will look, reach out, find.
God isn’t far away from any of us.
God gives us power to live, to move, and to be who we are.”
-Acts 17: 27-28