Most of the time this blog is pretty mindless stuff.  Every now and again something a little deeper comes along. (I’ll admit that’s not often!)

Sometimes I write just to write.  It makes me feel good; it’s that simple.  Sometimes I post to update our family and friends.  Sometimes I post because something big or funny or ridiculous happens.  Sometimes I post craft ideas that worked well for me and I wanted to share.

But today’s post is a little different.  I’m posting because I need you guys.  I need support.  I need pats on the back.  I need to hear that I can do it, and that somebody else believes that I can do it, too.

See, back in 1997 I was blessed with opportunity to have a breast reduction.  My breast were so large that I had constant indentations on my shoulders from my bra straps.  My back would ache.  I couldn’t run.  (Well, I still can’t run…but that’s only because I’m too lazy!)  When I had my reduction, the doctor told me that I may or may not be able to breast feed if and whenever I chose to have children.  I’ll admit that I was young when I had this surgery, but the complexity of that decision did not escape me.  I wanted nothing more in my whole life to be a mommy.  One of the biggest parts of being a mommy is providing for your child…and that, in my mind, also included breast feeding.  But the pros outweighed the cons(they still do), and I decided to have the surgery anyway.

When I had Carter, I tried to breastfeed.  I made nothing.  At all.  With Lydia I lasted a little bit longer(not much).  I made some milk, but not nearly enough.  She was losing weight and never satisfied.  She cried a lot…and I gave in to the self-induced feeling that I was somehow denying her the basic right of sustenance.

This go round has been a little different.  Asa has started out by being a champion feeder.  He may take a long time to eat(probably because my milk flow is so slow), but he is usually pretty patient.  He usually latches on well, and stays put the duration of the feeding.  He seems to fit so perfectly in my arms.  It wasn’t like that with the other two.  It was awkward to hold them in a place where they were happy and could still easily reach my nipples(which are a bit high due to the surgery).

But here’s the deal:  I’m simply not making much milk.  Markedly more than the previous times, but still not much.  I’ve begun supplementing.  And I’m pumping regularly for nipple stimulation.  I’m about to start taking Reglan, which we hope will increase my milk supply.  Eventhough the battle isn’t over yet, I still feel a bit defeated.  He prefers a bottle to me.  I don’t like taking second fiddle to a piece of plastic.  That thought is pretty depressing to me.

Like I said…the battle isn’t over yet.  I’m going to try, and I’m going to try hard.  But I can’t mentally handle it for too long.  I cry at nearly every feeding, and that’s not good for either of us long term.  So Marshall and I have made a pact to do everything possible for the next week.  If things aren’t better by then, I’ll back off.  But if I have any sign that this all might be working…I’ll push onward.  So I need you all to pray that a miracle will happen in the next week.  I really want this…

There’s not a day that goes by that I would ever trade my “old” boobs back for my “new” ones.  I don’t ever regret my decision to have the surgery.  BUT I do hate that it’s left me in a place where I feel inadequate and second rate to a plastic nipple.  I know it’s not the end of the world.  I know Asa will be fine without breast milk.  Carter and Lydia were both formula babies, and they’ve turned out fine(sorta 🙂 ).  But I want this for him and for me.  I know all the benefits of breastfeeding.  I want that for him.  But I also want to continue that closeness that breastfeeding gives to mom and baby.  I have to admit that I’ve often seen people breastfeeding with ease and been beside myself with jealousy.  And then I look at my poor hurting, cracked and bleeding nipples and wonder if it’s all worth it.

Thanks for reading my ramble.  I know it’s a whirlwind of thoughts that are poorly constructed into sentences and paragraphs.  But it’s where I am for the moment, and how I feel.  I’m off to pump again…wish me luck!