Your birthday always seems to sneak up on me.
We’ve just finished the chaos of Christmas and are trying to get back into a regular schedule again.
And then we have Carter’s birthday tomorrow.
And soon we’ll be having another January birthday.
I struggled to figure out what to get you for Christmas.
And here we are a few weeks later and I’m still at a loss.
I would give you another gift card to iTunes or Starbucks,
but I know that you have plenty of both right now.
I would give you money,
but it’s really your money anyway…
so that’s not much of a gift, is it? 🙂
I would write a heart-felt post about you,
but I just did that last month.
So, I guess for your birthday all I’ve got is this:
I love you.
I love your crooked smile.
I love that you send me emails that predict the ending of the show we’re currently watching.
I love that we occasionally sit in the same room and still chat online.
I love that you … oh wait! I just got it! I just figured out what to get you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(You’re all going to have to be left in suspense because if I tell you, he’ll see it.)
One phone call tomorrow and I should have it taken care of!
But you’ll have to go pick it up yourself since I’m on bedrest now.
(Lame, I know. Sorry.)
I love you, Marsh. Happy birthday!
I am acutely aware of you at all times.
During no part of my day (or night) am I able to forget or pretend that you aren’t there.
I bend over and find that I can’t breathe.
I can’t cross my legs or even put on my pants easily.
I attempt to roll over in bed and have to heave myself from one side to the other.
But there are times when I get so busy or wrapped up in what’s going on in the outside world
that I quit noticing when you move and squiggle.
I get consumed by what’s happening around me and I don’t notice you.
And then, as things begin to calm down for me, I wait for you to move.
And then promptly freak out when there is nothing but stillness.
I know very well that babies sleep.
They move a while and they are still awhile.
I know this and yet my over-active imagination goes into hyper-drive.
I close my eyes and mine my memory…
When did I last feel you move?
Wait…it’s been at least…hell, I don’t know…a long time, it seems.
And I push you and prod you trying to get you to move.
Oh, God, I find myself saying.
What have I done?
(Because in my mind it’s always something that I’ve done.)
What if I smooshed you?
What if my bath was too hot and you got overheated?
(Yes, I am well aware of the irrationality of these ideas.
And yet, here they are…bubbling to the top.)
I get myself all worked up and then…
Very subtly, you move.
Probably just a hand turning a little more towards your face
Or maybe you’re moving your leg to a more comfortable position.
(Although at this point, I’m not sure any way you settle can be considered comfortable.)
But you were there.
It was there, subtle though it may have been.
Something certainly moved.
And I realize that even though I had my doubts, you were always there.
I realize that even though I wasn’t aware of you, you were aware of me.
And my mind can’t help but draw a parallel to God.
I can’t help but think that this is the same way it is with the Holy Spirit.
Regardless of my doubts, God is always there.
Even when I’m not aware of God, God is always there.
And I am yet again crushed by the reminder that you-
this tiny little thing-
one who has never even breathed a breath of air or felt the wind blow or seen a sunrise
or any of those things that we so often associate with the a higher power.
You are probably closer to God than I am.
And God is using you to connect with me.
And I am once again taken aback that The One Who Made All Things wants me,
is interested in me.
And has given me this moment with you to remind me that
You are fearfully and wonderfully made.
And I am, too.
Thank you, sweet girl for reminding me.
I love you already.
Love, Mommy
“God has done all this so that we will look, reach out, find.
God isn’t far away from any of us.
God gives us power to live, to move, and to be who we are.”
-Acts 17: 27-28
I don’t know how I found her.
I don’t remember if I clicked a link to get to her or googled something or what.
All I know is that one day I stumbled across this post, and it totally cracked me up.
Before I’d ever heard of Google Reader, I bookmarked this blog
and I’d come back every few days to see what Casey had come up with next.
I loved her quick witted-ness and humor.
I loved her photography. (Look how teeny tiny Addie was!)
I loved how no topic was off-limits for her.
I commented on her posts; she commented on mine.
There were emails exchanged and tweets tweeted along the way.
And then I gradually saw something I didn’t expect…
There was more to this Casey than what first met the eye.
Sure, she was still funny.
Sure, she still taking fabulous photos.
And sure, she still talking about things that are off-limit for many.
But now the off-limit topic was something I could really relate to: depression.
I was so grateful that there was someone else who “got” it.
There was someone else who could put words to what I felt, how I felt.
Casey’s words spoke volumes to me.
****
At BlogHer ’09, I finally met Casey.
She was happy and shiny and all dressed up.
We sat and talked a while until she said, “I just can’t do this anymore. Let’s find food.”
She introduced me to Emily and while eating pizza in our pj’s…
I realized that this person? This Casey girl? Was so much more than “just a blogger”.
She is a magnificent mom.
She is a compassionate friend.
She is open and honest about her faith.
She is open and honest about everything.
She is as quick witted and amusing in person as she is in print.
She is full of energy and sarcasm.
And she is real; she is authentic.
She is Casey, and I’m glad that she’s a friend.
****
When she first emailed me a picture of that pregnancy test with dark, bold “PREGNANT”
I was at a restaurant eating lunch.
I actually shouted “Woo-hoo” out loud when I saw it.
I couldn’t be more excited for Casey, Cody and Addie.
Just like the rest of the blog-o-sphere, I can’t wait to see if Moosh 2.0 has those cherub cheeks and springy curls.
And, Casey, I hope you know that I’m always here for you.
You’ve seen me at my low points. You’ve read my hastily written and unedited emails and said, “I get it.”
And there are few things that feel better than knowing that someone else gets it.
I adore you, too. And I’m oh-so-glad the Internet let me have you as well.
(By the way, you can open your gift now.)
****
The lovely DesignHERmomma is the mastermind behind this 15 week celebration!
Thank you, Emily. You are an amazing friend!
I guess you could actually call this a “Pregnant Girl’s Guide to a Painting Party”,
Because I probably would have done more if I weren’t so enormous and exhausted.
We’ve never done a “friend” party because we’ve always(up to this point) just done a family thing.
But Carter has begged and begged for a “real” birthday party…a painting birthday party, to be exact.
He has been asking for months and I kept putting him off because I knew that the new baby might interfere with any plans.
But he is one insistent little sucker, and I finally gave in.
He was allowed to pick 10 friends.
(The first one his list? His “girlfriend”, who is actually in 5th grade!)
I bought a magnet painting kit along with some extra paint brushes and some glitter glue.
(Everything looks better under a layer of glitter glue, right?)
I also pulled out all my plastic cups to use for rinsing water.
Instead of making or buying a cake, I decided to follow through with the painting theme.
Each kid will get a chocolate cupcake and will be able to DIY(Decorate It Yourself) with icing and sprinkles.
Don’t be too impressed!
Those cupcakes are made from a box mix and the icing and sprinkles are store bought.
I used food coloring and 3 cans of frosting to make the rainbow icing options.
(1/2 can of icing plus an insane amount of food coloring per color.
I used Gel Food Colors -for all but the blue and yellow- because they are so bright.)
And, of course, no party for my kid is complete without Sprite.
(The kid really loves Sprite.)
Here’s hoping my doctor’s appointment goes well and I actually make it to the party!
I’m exhausted; like first-trimester-can’t-keep-my-eyes-open exhausted.
I went to the grocery store to get a few essentials and then came home and collapsed on the sofa,
napping on and off for 2 hours.
Thank goodness for Playhouse Disney!!
(I feel slightly guilty at how much TV has been watched the past few days.)
My blood pressure is up.
I’m having twice weekly NSTs.
I have to do another blasted 24 hour urine collection.
(TMI. Sorry.)
And then Monday’s appointment will bring with it another ultrasound in addition to the NST.
Both Marshall and Carter have birthdays next week.
We are supposed to have Carter’s birthday party this Friday after school.
And I find myself praying that I’ll be able to be here for it.
(Oh the silly things we pray for sometimes…)
It’s not even a big deal of a birthday party.
Painting a few magnets.
Decorating cupcakes.
And drinking Sprite.
(He has mentioned the Sprite more than anything else,
And guess what I forgot to buy…)
On top of everything else, all I really want to do is crawl in a hole and be by myself.
I don’t want to talk to anyone.
I don’t want to go anywhere.
I just want to sleep and read and take long baths.
Is this pregnancy-related or SAD?
Probably some of both.
I can’t focus on anything.
(As you can probably tell from this post.)
I’m cold and I’m tired and I feel bad for complaining.
Because I have so many friends who would give an arm and a leg to be where I am-
To have 3 happy, healthy children and expecting another.
I am so blessed.
There’s no other word for it.
And I know this.
And yet I still complain…
Ugh.
I’m even frustrated with myself.
So while my words are hiding,
Know that I’m reading your emails and texts and messages.
And I really do appreciate it.
I really, really do.
But I need to step away…
Soon enough I’ll find my wit and my words again.
And I’ll quit lurking on Facebook and Twitter.
And I’ll be back to my chatty little self.
The weather forecasters predicted 1-3 inches of snow in our area.
We had one flake of snow and 1+ inches of ice.
Unlike some people around us, we have had power the whole time.
We’ve also had a fire going the whole time.
I’ve walked out onto the porch, but haven’t set foot in the ice.
(I’d rather not end up in the ER…or jump start labor.)
It was pretty out, but not the winter wonderland scene that I saw all over facebook.
I was thankful that my brother was here because he took the big kids out on an “icicle hunt”.
That’s the only time they went outside and it was a big hit.
School is cancelled again tomorrow.
All the other adults around here have to be at work by 10am (or earlier).
And I’m supposed to go in for another NST after lunch.
It’s going to be an interesting day for sure.
I hit the 36 week mark today.
I want her to hang out for a little bit longer,
But my hips hurt and I’m exhausted.
I’m not sleeping well and I feel like my skin is stretched to the limit.
I’m ready for her to come,
But at the same time I’m not.
Like a good book, I’m anxious to reach the end,
But I don’t want to close this chapter of my life.
I am constantly reminding myself to savor it, savor it all.
Because I know I’ll miss it once it’s gone…
I’m over at Blissfully Domestic today talking about Project 365 or Project 52 (if you’d rather aim for one photo a week!)
I would LOVE to you join me in this photo fun.
So often I have my camera in hand and I live behind the lens.
It’s not that I watch life pass me by, I’m experiencing it just like the others…
Well, kinda…
When I look through my camera, colors seem brighter.
Small details pop into view.
The world is, to me, sharper through a lens.
But I don’t always have my camera with me in the little moments.
And there are some little moments that I really want to remember
And I jot them down in hopes that I’ll never forget them.
This morning I was a bit achy and decided to take a warm bath.
Asa wasn’t yet awake, but I knew he would be soon.
Each morning when he gets up, he trots (yes, trots) to our room and crawls in bed to snuggle.
It really is quite wonderful.
By the time he got there this morning, I’d had my bath and was on the bed with my baby belly exposed.
He gave me a smooch and then snuggled up not next to me, per se, but to the baby.
He very gently rubbed my belly and said, “Hay, bay-bee”
That lasted a few minutes and then he leaned down and gave her a kiss.
I want to remember that forever.
I want to remember the feel of his soft, pink hands against my skin.
I want to remember the “pop” sound his lips made as he kissed her.
I want to remember the smile on his face when he looked up at me and realized that I was watching.
A picture may be worth a thousand words,
But a memory is worth a million.
Remember this?
Thanks to my friends Jesse and Noelle for the initial clean-out…
And thanks to my parents for keeping the kids while Marshall and I finished…
It now looks like this:
I made a vinyl cutout with my new Silhouette machine to go over the crib,
but since her name is still a secret, I haven’t put it up yet!
Now at least the room is ready!
I just have to get me ready!
