Despite your support(both via comments and emails), I’m not going to be breastfeeding. I kept praying and praying about it. And I’m not really the kind of person who prays for “signs”, but I was to the point where I was so conflicted on what to do…that I just prayed that God would give me a clear cut answer as to what to do.
In apparent attempts to not be subtle, God provided not one “sign” but two. My breastmilk supply continued to decrease instead of increase as it should. Pumping a “full” breast, I still was barely able to cover the bottom of the bottle. Turn it up into a bottle nipple and it wasn’t even enough to fill it up!
Also, I started having pretty severe vaginal/labial pain. I came to see the doctor first thing this morning, and I’ll be darned if it wasn’t another hematoma. Not nearly as severe as with Carter, but she did have to open it up. Yuck, yuck, yuck!!!
So…here I sit. Waiting to make sure the bleeding is going to stop, and making peace with the fact that I’m not going to be able to breastfeed. For a moment, I wanted to say “Why me? Why?” But then I realized that I have 3 happy, healthy children. (Asa gained weight like a champ once we started the supplements.) I have a wonderful husband who never fails to amaze me. I have an extended family(on both sides) who are always there for us. And we are blessed to have a great church family, too.
So when I say “Why me?”, I can honestly say I’m asking why I’ve been so lucky, so fortunate, so loved. Why do I have so many people around to love and support me? Why do I have such great physicians? Why have I been more blessed than I’m worthy of? Why do I have a life that’s turned out more wonderful than I could ever have dreamed? I don’t know…but I’m very thankful for it.