On the fourth

When I was pregnant with my first child, my obstetrician was expecting her fourth-the first girl after 3 boys.

At my postpartum visit, I remember chatting with her and I said,
“Well, you only have about 4 months left.  Not too much longer…”

I was a little taken aback by her response:
“Well, I’m actually hoping it crawls by.  I’m just not sure I’m ready.”

Being a first-time mom who couldn’t wait for Delivery Day from the moment the plus sign appeared,
I couldn’t understand why you wouldn’t want to hurry-hurry-hurry and have that baby already!

But now?  Now I get it.
As sick as I am some days and as many headaches as I’ve had,
I’m hoping that February is slow in coming.
I hope I make it to 40 weeks this time.
(I never have before.)

Even when I feel like complete and total crap,
I try to savor it.  Really savor it.
Because I know this is it.
I know that this is the last time.
And I don’t want to hurry-hurry-hurry through it.

And now, as I prepare to greet my fourth baby, I finally get it.
I finally understand what she meant.
I’m ready, but I’m not.
Just like with all the others, I can’t wait for my next ultrasound.
Just like with all the others, I have dreamed of names and personalities.
Just like with all the others, I am planning and preparing a room and a wardrobe.
Just like with all the others, I am itemizing baby necessities to figure out what we need.

But what’s different this time, is that I’m not constantly looking forward.
I’m not counting down to D-day.
It’s not all about getting to the end.

It has taken me four(five) pregnancies to realize that it’s not just about holding a baby in your arms,
It’s about getting to that point.
And remembering the feeling of little flutters becoming big kicks.
And remembering the tautness of  a belly during a contraction.
And remembering the reaction of the other littles as they watch the baby wriggle from inside.
And remembering  the stories the “big kids” make up about this new baby.
And remembering how it feels and how it makes you feel.
And remembering laying in bed, talking to your spouse about what’s to come.

So, yes, I am excited about having another baby.
And yes, I can’t wait to find out if there’s a he or a she in there.
And yes, I can’t wait  to swaddle her/him like a baby burrito and cuddle.

But I’m actually hoping time crawls by.

I want to enjoy being a mom of 3 for a little longer.
And I still want to coddle Asa, and let him enjoy being the baby for a little longer.
And I want to sleep through the night with no(well, minimal) interruptions for a little longer.
And I want to be able to leave the house with nothing but a diaper and sippy cup for just a little longer.

I’m ready, but I’m not.
I’m too busy savoring the journey.

9 Responses to On the fourth
  1. Paige
    August 20, 2010 | 9:20 pm

    Oh I so understand. I felt that way with Sammie. I didn’t want it to end. Even the pain I was in b/c of the fluid retention didn’t make me want it to end. I knew she was going to be my last. It still makes me sad that I will never feel those flutters again. Sometimes in moments of insanity I wish for another one. Enjoy this time. Savor it.

  2. Momma Lioness Michele
    August 20, 2010 | 9:21 pm

    Perfectly written. I know exactly how you feel, but even if I didn’t, I would understand through the emotions you express so beautifully with your words. Hoping your pregnancy goes just as you want it to!
    xoxo, Michele

  3. Laura
    August 20, 2010 | 9:29 pm

    Beautiful as usual … you capture a lot of what many people feel but usually can’t adequately put into words.

  4. Monica
    August 21, 2010 | 9:38 am

    Ah yes! You captured it! And you *almost* made me want to be pregnant again. I loved this…beautiful. Thanks!

  5. Mary @ A Simple Twist of Faith
    August 22, 2010 | 10:03 pm

    Beautiful! Life is a journey, not a race.

  6. domestic extraordinaire
    August 23, 2010 | 6:29 am

    Here’s hoping the next months crawl by.


  7. punkinmama
    August 23, 2010 | 6:13 pm


    I feel like I don’t remember a lot about being pregnant, but I do remember it not wanting to end… mostly because I was so scared of what was to come when Punkin came out! I wasn’t sure I was ready for that! I’m still not always sure! 🙂

    I’m loving enjoying your journey from afar and glad I get to read your stories!