I remember it.
I remember it well.
The wanting to breathe deep
And not being able to.
The wanting to smile
And have it reach all the way up to my eyes.
The wanting to laugh
And have it come from deep within.
The wanting to be happy.
The wanting to feel joy.
The knowing that this this is exactly what I wanted…
And then, once it was here, it feeling so empty.
Searching for joy,
Wanting it so deeply,
And it always being just out of reach.
Confused by what I knew I was supposed to feel
And what I was feeling.
Waking up one morning and realizing that it’s more…
It’s more than just a little sad.
It’s more than “baby blues”.
And wondering how it happened?
How it sneaked up on you without you even knowing…
Oh, how well I remember it.
But this time, I fought back before it had time to find me.
Before it slipped quietly into my mind, slyly and silently attacking from within.
But there are still moments when I start to breath in deeply and I choke on those old emotions.
There are still times when I smile at all the good, all the beauty around me
and yet it feels not quite as happy as it should be.
And there are still times when I catch my mind trying to trick me, trying to break.
But the difference this time is that I know it’s there.
I know what my mind is capable of doing to me
And I didn’t give it a chance this time.
I started fixing it before it was broken.
But I remember.
It’s something you never forget.
And something, I think, that’s never completely gone.
So I’m here to tell you that if you feel like this?
This quiet pain, invisible to so many?
And get yourself dressed
Help is on the way
And stay strong
Everything will be fine
Everything in no time at all
–Details in the Fabric*, Jason Mraz
You are not alone.
You are not crazy.
You are not a bad mom.
You are not a bad person.
Ask for help.
Tell somebody else how shitty it feels.
Don’t be ashamed of the terrible, horrible thoughts that cross your mind.
You’re not alone.
We get it.
Those of us who have been there…
We get it.
It might not feel like it now, but it will be fine…
And, looking back, it’ll seem like no time at all.
*FYI: Links to music that has curse words.