I am not a good socializer

Ok…so most of you who know me personally are all like “WHAT? She’s not a good socializer??  She’s always up in my bidness.”  (Well, most of you aren’t thugs and you probably don’t say it quite like that, but you get the point.)

And my dear, dear IRL friends…you’re right.  It is weird to hear myself say I’m not a good socializer.  Because once I know you, I hold nothing back.  You want my opinion?  You got it.  You want to know what I think about swine flu or Jesus Christ or abortion?  Just ask me.  Assuming we’re in the right place, I’ll tell you what I think.  No qualms about it.

BUT if we’ve just met or I don’t know you?  Unless we have a friend in common to bridge the awkwardness?  Yeah…um…I’m shy.  Almost painfully so.  And I hate it.  Because I know I’m witty.  I know I can come up with great comebacks.  I know that I can be charming and fun to be around.  But when I get in an unfamiliar place with too many unfamiliar people, my brain seems to go into sleep mode.  And I can’t, for the life of me, put together a coherent statement.  And then I feel like an idiot.  And dammit, I am many things but I am not an idiot.  I feel inferior because my feeble little brain can’t come up with anything intelligent to say.  And WTH?  I’m not inferior.  I’m not.  I don’t know why I can’t get past that middle school mentality.  I hate it.  Hate.it.

And this carries over into the blog-o-sphere, too.

I’m not one of the popular bloggers.  I’m not, by far, one of the big names.  I don’t get tons of emails to “Dear Blogger” that so many people complain about.  (And I’m not sure I want to be one of those bloggers, really.  I’m pretty sure it’d stress me out…which is the opposite of what this blog is supposed to do for me.)

And although I had fun at BlogHer, I have to admit that I was a little overwhelmed at the enormity of it all and it stressed me out a little.  I wasn’t prepared(although I should have been, I guess) for the barrage of companies pimpin’ their stuff.  I wasn’t prepared(although I should have been) for the reaction to free stuff.  I wasn’t prepared(although…yes, I should have been) for the somewhat high school clique thing that was going on.  But I hung with my peeps.  And I had fun.  And if I had the option to do it all over again, I totally would.

(BTW, for those who are interested, I’m still planning on trying to get to Blissdom.  It seems to be more my size, and it’s in Nashville which I love love LOVE.)

But one thing about having a blog is, admit it or not, all most bloggers want comments.  (You do have  some people who turn comments off…but really?  I don’t get that.)  I like comments.  I know that my IRL blogger friends like comments.  Heck, most of you on facebook probably like it when someone comments on your status, don’t you?  It feels good to know that someone else has something to say about what you’re writing.

Herein lies my dilemma: I love to read other blogs.  Really.  It’s like reading a book of short stories, which is awesome.  There’s always a variety of things to read.
Want a good laugh? I can usually go here (or at least to her Twitter feed).
Need a pick-me-up?  Go here.
Want to see some amazingly creative photography that reminds me how much of a novice I really am?  Go here.
Want a smile or just look at the cutest kid ever? Yep, here‘s where to go for that.
Want to remind myself that I’m not crazy and there are other people like me out there that have really bad mommy days and have the balls to tell the whole interwebz? Got that covered too.

But you want to know my secret?  I rarely comment.  I want to.  I really do.  These women are amazing writers.  They inspire me.  I am always interested in what they post.  But usually I get to the end of the post and think, “Well, damn…I have nothing to say”.  I mean what’s up with that?  I usually can’t stop the words coming out of my mouth.  I tend to ramble(as is obvious on this post) on and on and on.  I can talk for a long, long time.  A really long time.  But even though I’ve met most of these women(and yes, they are as wonderful offline as online), I read a post and I get all stupid in the head.  Hello, Middle School Bridget.  Thanks for dropping by and leaving me with nothing but “great post!” or “beautifully written”.  Seriously?  Why can’t I come up with anything better than that?

I think my problem is that I read something, and I think, “That’s it!  That’s exactly what I think/feel/believe!!!”  And I’m so overwhelmed that somebody else thinks/feels/believes what I think/feel/believe that I kind of freeze up.  I know it’s silly.  I KNOW.  But I don’t know how to fix it.  But I’m going to try.  I will not comment with “beautiful post” again.  I will not say “you said it better than I ever could”.  I will think those things, and then I will comment.  A real, more-than-one-word comment.

And to those of you who regularly comment on my blog?  Thank you.  You’re awesome.  I rarely get “great post!” comments from you.  Wait…that didn’t come out quite like I meant it to.  But you know what I mean, right?