Broken

I know that one day I will miss that little baby squiggling in my lap.
I know that one day I will miss the chaos and the buzz of constant activity.
I know that one day I will miss being constantly touched and needed.

But today…
Right this very moment…
I find myself chanting in my head:
Savor the moment.
Savor the moment.
Savor the moment.
Savor the damn moment.

I try.  I really, really do.
I really want to drink it all in.

{even the bad}  

But it’s hard.
Today is hard.
The screaming and the shrieking is hard.
The constant unrest that stirs in my chest and aches to break free.
It leaves me antsy and on edge.
Senses heightened when I need them to be dulled…
And then there’s the moment when I snap and I yell.
The moment when I have reached my breaking point.
The moment when I think terrible horrible no good very bad thoughts.
And force myself to take a deep breath and walk away.

Motherhood is beautiful.
But motherhood is messy.
And hard.
And sometimes…
Sometimes…
- No matter how hard you try to savor it -
It sucks you under
And breaks you.

 

Just Write

This is my second Just Write that is just…bleh.  
I’m okay.  Really, I am. 
But some days are better than others.
And today?  Is one of the ‘others’. 

5 Responses to Broken
  1. Lisa Katz Montarbo
    October 11, 2011 | 9:34 pm

    This validates all of our frustrating “mom moments”. We don’t feel alone anymore. It’s such a relief to know other people feel this way sometimes. The truth helps. THANK YOU.

  2. Tricia
    October 11, 2011 | 9:55 pm

    Oh do I know exactly how you feel. I know the ‘others’ and I’m sorry that today was an ‘other’ for you. Tomorrow is a new day and I hope it is a better one!

  3. designhermomma
    October 11, 2011 | 10:19 pm

    I am totally with you, except mostly too afraid to write about it lately.

  4. suzannah {so much shouting, so much laughter}
    October 12, 2011 | 12:31 am

    savor the damn moment–yes! it gets easier. and harder. when when they’re tiny it’s the most consuming. take care of you, too. i need to follow my own advice:)

  5. Michelle G
    October 12, 2011 | 11:42 am

    Oh wow. It was like a letter from one shell shocked soldier to another.
    One of those mama moments when with a shrieking child in a store another makes eye contact with you and silently nods.
    been there.
    done that.
    battle scars.
    shell shock.
    TOTAL understanding and happy vibes sent your way.
    :)
    M