People have been hounding me for pictures…and I couldn’t quite decide how to do them all. We had several different “Christmases” with different parts of our family. Some were pre-Asa, most were post-Asa. But I decided it’d be easiest if I lumped all the Christmas pictures together, and then gave Asa some glory of his own. There are plenty of pictures of him, I assure you! 🙂
So…what we have here: Christmas with my family, Christmas with Marshall’s family, Christmas Eve night, Christmas morning and Christmas Day. I didn’t get as many pictures as I usually do because I was a little hindered both pre- and post-Asa…but I think there are still enough! 🙂
[slideshow id=936748722513307141&w=426&h=320]
Despite your support(both via comments and emails), I’m not going to be breastfeeding. I kept praying and praying about it. And I’m not really the kind of person who prays for “signs”, but I was to the point where I was so conflicted on what to do…that I just prayed that God would give me a clear cut answer as to what to do.
In apparent attempts to not be subtle, God provided not one “sign” but two. My breastmilk supply continued to decrease instead of increase as it should. Pumping a “full” breast, I still was barely able to cover the bottom of the bottle. Turn it up into a bottle nipple and it wasn’t even enough to fill it up!
Also, I started having pretty severe vaginal/labial pain. I came to see the doctor first thing this morning, and I’ll be darned if it wasn’t another hematoma. Not nearly as severe as with Carter, but she did have to open it up. Yuck, yuck, yuck!!!
So…here I sit. Waiting to make sure the bleeding is going to stop, and making peace with the fact that I’m not going to be able to breastfeed. For a moment, I wanted to say “Why me? Why?” But then I realized that I have 3 happy, healthy children. (Asa gained weight like a champ once we started the supplements.) I have a wonderful husband who never fails to amaze me. I have an extended family(on both sides) who are always there for us. And we are blessed to have a great church family, too.
So when I say “Why me?”, I can honestly say I’m asking why I’ve been so lucky, so fortunate, so loved. Why do I have so many people around to love and support me? Why do I have such great physicians? Why have I been more blessed than I’m worthy of? Why do I have a life that’s turned out more wonderful than I could ever have dreamed? I don’t know…but I’m very thankful for it.
Most of the time this blog is pretty mindless stuff. Every now and again something a little deeper comes along. (I’ll admit that’s not often!)
Sometimes I write just to write. It makes me feel good; it’s that simple. Sometimes I post to update our family and friends. Sometimes I post because something big or funny or ridiculous happens. Sometimes I post craft ideas that worked well for me and I wanted to share.
But today’s post is a little different. I’m posting because I need you guys. I need support. I need pats on the back. I need to hear that I can do it, and that somebody else believes that I can do it, too.
See, back in 1997 I was blessed with opportunity to have a breast reduction. My breast were so large that I had constant indentations on my shoulders from my bra straps. My back would ache. I couldn’t run. (Well, I still can’t run…but that’s only because I’m too lazy!) When I had my reduction, the doctor told me that I may or may not be able to breast feed if and whenever I chose to have children. I’ll admit that I was young when I had this surgery, but the complexity of that decision did not escape me. I wanted nothing more in my whole life to be a mommy. One of the biggest parts of being a mommy is providing for your child…and that, in my mind, also included breast feeding. But the pros outweighed the cons(they still do), and I decided to have the surgery anyway.
When I had Carter, I tried to breastfeed. I made nothing. At all. With Lydia I lasted a little bit longer(not much). I made some milk, but not nearly enough. She was losing weight and never satisfied. She cried a lot…and I gave in to the self-induced feeling that I was somehow denying her the basic right of sustenance.
This go round has been a little different. Asa has started out by being a champion feeder. He may take a long time to eat(probably because my milk flow is so slow), but he is usually pretty patient. He usually latches on well, and stays put the duration of the feeding. He seems to fit so perfectly in my arms. It wasn’t like that with the other two. It was awkward to hold them in a place where they were happy and could still easily reach my nipples(which are a bit high due to the surgery).
But here’s the deal: I’m simply not making much milk. Markedly more than the previous times, but still not much. I’ve begun supplementing. And I’m pumping regularly for nipple stimulation. I’m about to start taking Reglan, which we hope will increase my milk supply. Eventhough the battle isn’t over yet, I still feel a bit defeated. He prefers a bottle to me. I don’t like taking second fiddle to a piece of plastic. That thought is pretty depressing to me.
Like I said…the battle isn’t over yet. I’m going to try, and I’m going to try hard. But I can’t mentally handle it for too long. I cry at nearly every feeding, and that’s not good for either of us long term. So Marshall and I have made a pact to do everything possible for the next week. If things aren’t better by then, I’ll back off. But if I have any sign that this all might be working…I’ll push onward. So I need you all to pray that a miracle will happen in the next week. I really want this…
There’s not a day that goes by that I would ever trade my “old” boobs back for my “new” ones. I don’t ever regret my decision to have the surgery. BUT I do hate that it’s left me in a place where I feel inadequate and second rate to a plastic nipple. I know it’s not the end of the world. I know Asa will be fine without breast milk. Carter and Lydia were both formula babies, and they’ve turned out fine(sorta 🙂 ). But I want this for him and for me. I know all the benefits of breastfeeding. I want that for him. But I also want to continue that closeness that breastfeeding gives to mom and baby. I have to admit that I’ve often seen people breastfeeding with ease and been beside myself with jealousy. And then I look at my poor hurting, cracked and bleeding nipples and wonder if it’s all worth it.
Thanks for reading my ramble. I know it’s a whirlwind of thoughts that are poorly constructed into sentences and paragraphs. But it’s where I am for the moment, and how I feel. I’m off to pump again…wish me luck!
Sorry this post is so late, but the hosptial doesn’t have wireless…
#3A has arrived!!!
Baby Asa(obviously a boy) was born on December 22 at 2:43 pm. He weighed 7 pounds, 13 ounces and was 19.5 inches long.
We had a nice stay at the hosptial, and were very well cared for. We’ve just now gotten home…and are about to do some more Christmas celebrating with Marshall’s family!!
I’ll be posting pictures as soon as I get a chance…
5:45 on Monday morning. We’ll be leaving for the hospital in a few minutes! Yay! Iwent to bed early last night(complements of Ambien), and it was so worth it! Because now I’m wide awake and really ready for today!
With my other pregnancies, I was surprized at how quickly it all went. This time has been different. I guess because I was so sick, and because we had so many major life changes during this pregnancy, and I had the misscarriage just last year….well, it feels like this pregnancy has lasted a long, long time. And I’m more ready this time(I think! 🙂 ).
Emmie woke up at somepoint last night and just wanted me to hold her. We’ve been talking to her about the new baby, and that the new baby is coming and all that jazz. But I think it’s just really now starting to sink in. With my friends Jesse and Noelle here to keep her and Tucker, she knows something big is up. In some ways I’m sad that she won’t be “the baby” anymore. But it’ll be good for her. And I think she’ll take well to her Big Sister role. She’s quite the little mommy with her toys. She even changes their diapers! 🙂 Eventhough I might not be brave enough to let a 2 year old change a diaper, it’s nice to know that she’s willing to help. But last night, she just wanted her mommy to hold and cuddle her. She just wanted to be the baby a little bit longer…and I wanted her to be, too, if I’m honest with myself. So she stayed in my bed for a long time last night. Until her breaths were slow and even, and I was sure she was sound asleep. And as I went in to kiss her this morning, I was surprized at just how big she looks.
Tucker…is just Tucker. He doesn’t seem to care one way or another that there’s a new baby coming. I think he gets it, but I think it’s a “been-there-done-that” kind of thing for him. I hope he’ll be excited when he meets the new baby.
Well, I’m going to be late if I don’t stop typing. The hospital doesn’t have Wi-Fi, but I hope Marshall will be able to update you all sometime today or tomorrow. Otherwise, check facebook! 🙂
Hopefully 12 hours from now, we’ll be able to give you all some idea of what’s going on. I go in at 6:30 in the morning to be induced. Since I’m already dilated some, I’m hoping that things will progress much faster than with the previous two(late night deliveries). I’d be happy to be done by lunch…but I’m not holding my breath.
As much as I’ve hated the nausea, vomiting, headaches, and other aches…I’m kind of sad to see this end. This may(or may not…) be my last biological child. It’s been hard…and I’m not sure I want to chance that again…but I do love new babies…and I do love having kids! Even amist the chaos, being a mommy is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. There is nothing else like it.
Anyway, I took an Ambien so that I could go to sleep easily…and it’s kicking in(hence the rambling). So I’m just going to say one more thing. As I took my bath tonight, I was thinking abotu how much calmer everything seems this time. Despite being under the care of new doctors, and being in a new hospital…I’m not really stressed about anything this time. Everything seemed to be running so smoothly tonight…until I threw up! Grrr….I will not miss the throwing up! But I will miss the wiggles taht only (s)he and I share. The kicks and bumps and hiccups. I’m sad to see that go. But tomorrow we will meet the elusive #3A. If you have facebook, keep track there. I hope I’ll be able to do mobile updates and post a picture pretty soon after (s)he makes a debut. If you don’t have facebook…well, then…you just suck. And you’ll have to wait until I can get it all up on here.
I’m sleepy…goodnight!
I was at my doctor’s appointment on Friday for my LAST prenatal visit (Woo-hoo!) when I noticed this poem on her wall for the first time.
I hope you find it as beautiful as do I.
Expectations
It is important to me
that I spend a part of
the next few hours here
alone with you
in the darkness.
You and I will never
be this close again
by morning you will be
a tiny person
all your own.
No longer the kicking
demanding bulge
in my body that
I have grown to love so well.
I pray that God will safely
guide you on your journey
and I ask him for the strength
to help you all I can.
Again you signal
your impatience to be free-
Time to wake your Daddy.
-Anon.
But I do have something I promised you all back in November. Remember when I told you that my brother had written a song for my kids, and then we sang it at this little get-together at my grandparents? Anyway…I couldn’t transfer the footage from my camera to my computer because I needed a specific type of connecting wire(remember the “why is it $8 at Walmart at $30 everywhere else” debacle??).
Anyway, I finally ordered the wire from Wal-mart when I ordered Marshall’s birthday present(I hate to only order one thing…I feel like I’m wasting the shipping and handling fee when I do). It came in yesterday and I was finally able to get that song off my camcorder! Yay!
Now when I say not to expect much, I don’t mean the song. I love the song. And I think my brother is incredibly talented. Who is not incredibly talented is me with a video camera. I had it on a tripod across the room, so the view isn’t all that great. And apparently I thought we were doing a hula dance while singing…not sure what that’s all about. I’ll blame it on my spreading pregnancy hips. PLUS…I kind of didn’t know that we were singing that song on that day, and it’d been a while since I’d sung it. If you listen carefully, you’ll hear more than a few slips on my part. Once again…it’s my fault, not his.
So…without further adieu:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7M6gmZ43wzc]
When you have kids, you find yourself saying things you never really expected to have to say outloud. Here’s a collection of just a few of the ones I’ve been known to utter recently. And yes, they do almost all have to do with some sort of bodily fluid. What can I say? I have a 4 year old boy…
10. If you don’t know what it is, please don’t put it in your mouth…or her mouth.
9. How did you get up here, and why are your feet in the sink?
8. Why yes, that is my philtrum.
7. It’s not a “damn car”; it’s just a regular car. (In response to Tucker saying, “I don’t want to listen to that in this damn car”.)
6. Did you just pee in my bathtub? There’s a potty right there!
5. You must always put on underwear before you come to the table to eat.
4. You cannot go outside naked!
3. Please tell me that’s chocolate on the wall…
2. Did you just pee in the bathtub? There’s a potty right there!Did you just lick the toilet????
1. Do NOT suck on the dog’s nipples ever again, ok?
